WTF of the Week - 2/20 - CoupleDumb

          We don’t know if you would believe it but we are spiritual people. We know a lot of people see ‘spiritual’ as code for New Agey/Pagan/Wiccan/Hug a Tree while dancing nekkid during the Full Moon that happens during the Winter Solstice. Truth be told we were both raised Catholic and have evolved out of that faith to embrace more Eastern philosophies. However, at the end of the day, Jesus is still a cool dude in our book and our main spiritual connection. So what’s with the declaration? Did CoupleDumb hear a horn or see a some scary guys riding horses? Nothing that dramatic but it is amazing and it has us saying What the Faith?

          One hundred thousand Christians have banded together and under the name ‘Faithful America’ have gone after none other than Glenn Beck for his campaign against Christian Social Justice. Mr. Beck has been preaching about how ‘social justice’ is really code for Nazism and communism. Beck has also recommended that people leave their churches if the pastor mentions social justice. Beck, who considers himself a Mormon, has said things like ‘social justice is about stealing’ and that social justice ‘leads to death camps.’ ‘A Jew, of all people, should know that,’ Beck has said. ‘[Social Justice] is exactly the kind of talk that led to the death camps in Germany.’

          Now Faithful America is chasing Beck through this country running ads reminding Christians that Beck advocates denying any teaching that urges you to give to your fellow man. You see, in Beckland, this leads us to the slippery slope of Nazism. You remember how nice Nazis were, right? Baking cookies for their fellow man? Opening soup kitchens for the downtrodden? Faithful America’s slogan is ‘Driven by Faith, Not Fear’. We think this is genius and it could not come soon enough. We were wondering when Christians would wake up and see that their new spokesperson and news agency, FOX News, was running with the idea that any attempt to help anyone in any way is Nazism/Communism. Since Fox News is run by backwards, hillbillies who enjoy the company of their underage cousins, allegedly, they probably missed the government lesson that Nazis were fascists which are on the other extreme of the political spectrum.

          But we digress because this post is to sing the praises of the one hundred, thousand Christians who refuse to be lumped into the fear mongering, idiotic, racist, delusional, paranoid, name calling asses who call themselves the voice of this nation, the little people and Middle America. There is absolutely nothing ‘middle’ about them. They are the extreme of the extremes. They are a mish mosh of backwoods, closeted Hatfields, flying confederate flags, shouting conspiracy, communism, Nazism to see which words strikes the most fear. They dissect things and twist them until you can read holocaust or genocide (two of Becks favorite words). If they can’t get a rise out of people, they scream reverse discrimination and calmly wait for Obama to rip off his mask and clothes to show the be-grilled thug in a 3X track suit threatening to pop a cap in whitey’s ass while Michele, Malia and Sasha wear their apple bottom jeans and pop their ass to Lil Johns ‘Get Low’.

          We salute you Faithful America. Our hope is that more people wake up and smell the bullshit that Beck, Palin, Williams, Hannity, O’Reilly et.al. are cooking. Let us wake up and remember that America was not founded as a promise land but the land of ruffians kicked out of the ‘decent’ countries. We’re the mutts! And as such we should be loyal and faithful and protect our pack which includes all of us. Not just some and not the fear mongering dips like Glenn ‘I see Nazis’ Beck.

          I grew up in Torrance California. If you don’t know the area, let me draw you a little mental picture. Torrance at one point was nothing but oil derricks and orange groves. Before they built our home sometime in the 50’s, there had been an oil derrick pumping away. As a child I still saw a few on my block which were subsequently taken out and a house was plopped down on the site. In fact, several miles up the road from our home we had a refinery for two of the major oil companies. So, I get it. It’s a big-ass industry with a gazillion dollars and that money translates to taxes and jobs. But this doesn’t mean that every weekend the ladies of our city would go up the road to perform their weekly blow-job duties to keep the oil companies satisfied.

          This was a busy week regarding the BP oil disaster. President Obama laid the smackdown on BP and they responded by setting aside 20 billion dollars to clean up the spill. On Thursday, at the congressional hearings to discuss the spill, Representative Joe Barton, decided to read a lengthy apology to Mr. Hayward, CEO of BP. In this love letter, Rep. Barton said things like ‘I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday’ and ‘a tragedy of the first proportion, that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, a $20 billion shakedown’. I’m sure Hayward instructed his people to deliver a stack of $20s to Barton after this gross display of political lap-dancing.

          So Barton, WTF? A tragedy? A tragedy is the complete destruction of a little something we call an eco-system in the Gulf of Mexico. A tragedy is seeing the death of millions of sea creatures or the poor water fowl suffocating as they are slimed by the crude oil. A tragedy is watching our beautiful beaches in the Panhandle of Florida and Alabama destroyed. A tragedy will be the loss of jobs of all the people who depend on the fishing in the gulf or the tourism the Gulf area. A tragedy is that our political system has created bitches like you who are so dependent on Oil company campaign contributions that they are not even able to see the countries outrage at a foreign corporations raping of one of our precious natural resources.

          Barton, you are a complete asshole and deserve nothing less than to go surfing in Panama Beach while eating a pelican sandwich. Do I think 20 Billion is going to be enough to clean things? Obviously, no. However, it is something. The era of corporate irresponsibility is over and being held accountable is scary for the unethical like yourself. Perhaps if you bought a paper or had someone show you some pictures you can see why even a gesture of help will make people feel better.

          And while we are talking about gestures, you are apologizing to BP because you feel that they should have ‘due process and fairness’? This from the beloved state of lethal injection and lynching? I don’t get it really. If you are oil companies bitch then be their bitch but do not subject the American people to watching you keep your pimp happy. As an American you have the right to be a slut, Barton, but no one wants to see you in a tube top.

sharebookmarx WTF of the Week: Rep. Joe Barton

          I like to keep my nose out of other’s peoples business. If what you are doing doesn’t hurt me then, I say, go with God, Mofo. However, sometimes I may allow myself a little wiggle room to judge or insinuate myself into a situation if I feel I must rectify a wrong. I like to call it ‘Leeway’.

          On Monday, Charlie Sheen was set to go in front of an Aspen judge and plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from his Christmas day assault of his wife Brooke Mueller. Charlie’s attorneys had worked on his plea deal for over a month and the final arrangement was signed off by the Aspen County District Attorney, the lead Prosecutor, Sherriff and Under-Sheriff. Under this agreement, Charlie would do 30 days in clink with work release 12 hours a day; in other words, 12 hours in and 12 hours out. Charlie already had a work gig set up which was to be an acting coach for the Aspen Theatre. However, at the final moment, Dep Bev Campbell, Pitkin County’s Jail Administrative Officer said no. She wanted to change his deal completely saying she could not ‘enforce’ this arrangement. First she called his work release ‘Useful Public Service’ and would change his release times to 10am to 4pm. And, to just fuck it all up, she said Charlie could not smoke at his Useful Public Service.

          There is so much WTF here I think it would serve you, the reader, better if I just bulleted them:

          -Yo Beverly, way to insinuate yourself into a plea deal where every boss of yours minus the fucking Governor already signed off.

          -‘Useful Public Service’? Useful? Have you watched Charlie act? You do understand the Theater is actually putting on plays and not re-doing Hot Shots Part Duex?

          -You say you can’t enforce the deal as written but you think you can enforce that Charlie not smoke at the theater? You must be my Mom or something. Seriously? I use to smoke inside the house, next to a window and no one ever caught me. You think you’re going to catch Charlie?

          Now I am vehemently opposed to domestic violence of any kind and Sheen has a long history of being a dick (please note that I called him evil on Wednesday). However, the judicial system is all about working out pleas and other arrangements. Sometimes they are in the best interest of all involved and sometimes not. In this case, he was going to do some time. Unlike the DUI convicts in LA who go through the revolving door while getting ‘processed’ and are out before they miss their reservations at the Ivy, Charlie was going to actually be locked up for a few days. The system is not perfect but we are not at the same level of a gulag or Turkish prison.

          However, Bev Campbell is the worst thing that can happen to our already strained and limp system. She is the fly in the ointment and if I didn’t know any better, she is probably either lining up a big payday through interviews or is running for Sherriff. They made a deal bitch and your job is to carry it through. Consider yourself the sous chef. The order has been placed and it is none of your fucking business what the customer wants. Just cook it. Your job is to keep the inmates inside and manage the work release. No one wants to talk about this anymore so let him in your inconsequential prison and let him do his time. Most importantly, there are people in Aspen County dying to see Charlie Sheen do the Vagina Monologues while chain smoking.

sharebookmarx WTF of the Week: Dep Bev Campbell

WTF: What The Faith

WTF of the Week: Rep. Joe Barton

WTF of the Week: Dep Bev Campbell

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