WTF of the Week » CoupleDumb

WTF of the Week: Dep Bev Campbell

Jun 112010

          I like to keep my nose out of other’s peoples business. If what you are doing doesn’t hurt me then, I say, go with God, Mofo. However, sometimes I may allow myself a little wiggle room to judge or insinuate myself into a situation if I feel I must rectify a wrong. I like to call it ‘Leeway’.

          On Monday, Charlie Sheen was set to go in front of an Aspen judge and plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from his Christmas day assault of his wife Brooke Mueller. Charlie’s attorneys had worked on his plea deal for over a month and the final arrangement was signed off by the Aspen County District Attorney, the lead Prosecutor, Sherriff and Under-Sheriff. Under this agreement, Charlie would do 30 days in clink with work release 12 hours a day; in other words, 12 hours in and 12 hours out. Charlie already had a work gig set up which was to be an acting coach for the Aspen Theatre. However, at the final moment, Dep Bev Campbell, Pitkin County’s Jail Administrative Officer said no. She wanted to change his deal completely saying she could not ‘enforce’ this arrangement. First she called his work release ‘Useful Public Service’ and would change his release times to 10am to 4pm. And, to just fuck it all up, she said Charlie could not smoke at his Useful Public Service.

          There is so much WTF here I think it would serve you, the reader, better if I just bulleted them:

          -Yo Beverly, way to insinuate yourself into a plea deal where every boss of yours minus the fucking Governor already signed off.

          -‘Useful Public Service’? Useful? Have you watched Charlie act? You do understand the Theater is actually putting on plays and not re-doing Hot Shots Part Duex?

          -You say you can’t enforce the deal as written but you think you can enforce that Charlie not smoke at the theater? You must be my Mom or something. Seriously? I use to smoke inside the house, next to a window and no one ever caught me. You think you’re going to catch Charlie?

          Now I am vehemently opposed to domestic violence of any kind and Sheen has a long history of being a dick (please note that I called him evil on Wednesday). However, the judicial system is all about working out pleas and other arrangements. Sometimes they are in the best interest of all involved and sometimes not. In this case, he was going to do some time. Unlike the DUI convicts in LA who go through the revolving door while getting ‘processed’ and are out before they miss their reservations at the Ivy, Charlie was going to actually be locked up for a few days. The system is not perfect but we are not at the same level of a gulag or Turkish prison.

          However, Bev Campbell is the worst thing that can happen to our already strained and limp system. She is the fly in the ointment and if I didn’t know any better, she is probably either lining up a big payday through interviews or is running for Sherriff. They made a deal bitch and your job is to carry it through. Consider yourself the sous chef. The order has been placed and it is none of your fucking business what the customer wants. Just cook it. Your job is to keep the inmates inside and manage the work release. No one wants to talk about this anymore so let him in your inconsequential prison and let him do his time. Most importantly, there are people in Aspen County dying to see Charlie Sheen do the Vagina Monologues while chain smoking.

WTF McDonalds?

WTF of the Week

Jun 052010

          We have been busy but does that excuse a lack of WTF of the Week posts? No. It is a tragedy that CoupleDumb has decided to let the stupid things that happen weekly go untouched. Being kinder and gentler does not necessarily mean we have to roll over and show our soft under-bellies. And no, that was not a fat joke.

          So this week there were so many things that happened that something was awoken. The Sleeper has awakened a la Dune and she woke up pissed. Sure you can give a writer some anti-depressants but that doesn’t make them lose their indignation. Not that I’m on anti-depressants, just high on life and over-whelmed by work. So what outraged me so much that I brought back the WTFs?

          Last week, Congresswoman Jackie Speier was given the anonymous tip that McDonalds was selling cadmium tainted drinking glasses with the cute and cuddly Shrek characters. At that point, McDonalds had sold over 12 million glasses in the US and 1.3 million in Canada. Congresswoman Speier contacted the Consumer Protection Safety Commission and they expedited testing. After a private discussion with the fast food company, McDonalds agreed to voluntarily issue the recall for full reimbursement.

          So, crisis averted, right? There were no reports of little Shrek loving kids licking glasses and getting the chills or Itai Itai Disease (Ouch Ouch) complaining of pain or squishy bones. There weren’t little kids on the news with kidney failure holding a glass of juice with a green ogre staring back at you. So what’s the big deal? It’s not like the glass was made of cadmium. They used some cadmium in the paint on the outside of the glass. I realize kids do stupid things but most know that the point of drinking glass is to hold the juice you want and not to eat through the outside to get to the liquid center.

          No. The big deal here is that McDonalds hired a company in New Jersey (ARC International) to make these ‘novelty products’ and somehow let 13 million plus receptacles of carcinogenic, bone softening, severe pain inducing characters into our children’s hands. Yeah, that’s cadmium poisoning. Not that the glasses had that much cadmium in it but, as in all gifts, it’s the thought that counts.

          What the fuck, McDonalds? I expect your products to make us fat and induce diarrhea and heart burn but soften my bones? What the FUCK? The worst part is that we were so worried by the rest of your food we completely over-looked the novelty items. I swear the McRib was made with some cloned half-bison/half-cat that is devoid of ribs. Now that should give you cancer or boils or something. But a friggen’ drinking glass, I ask as I drink out of our Captain Kirk glass that Burger King sold last year? The most fucked part is that Chris Pine is so hot that I have licked that glass. Should I get my bones checked? Should I worry that Paul can bend me into positions I couldn’t even get into in my 20s?

          Look, product placement and movie themed tie-ins are the norm and you can’t even go get gas without seeing a movie poster/giveaway urging you to enter to win the actual jock strap worn by so and so actor while fighting the alien horde as a metaphor for our immigration issues. I guess I was naïve that McDonalds gave a shit about us. I guess McDonalds, who doesn’t see an issue with producing meals which top 2000 calories a pop, wouldn’t give two shits if were licking cadmium soaked chicken nuggets. I guess I’m just sad that next time my sons ask for a Happy Meal, I will have to tell them that McDonalds is secretly trying to make them soft boned, cancer filled, respiratory infected freaks. I doubt that would stop them from asking for fries and chocolate milk with those nuggets.

WTF of The Week: Heidi Montag

WTF of the Week

Jan 302010

Big boob, no brains and the inability to move her mouth. The perfect woman.

          CoupleDumb tends to be politically consistent. We advocate personal responsibility, communication and healthy love. In politics, we basically do the same. We support choice only because we hold everyone responsible for their lives. It is not our call. Any other decision is based on a victim mentality that we do not support. Now that we spouted all this hippy bullshit, what does that have to do with Heidi Montag?

          Apparently, Heidi decided that she needed an overhaul. She had a nose job revision, mini brow lift, ears pinned, lipo on her neck, chin reduction, Botox all around her face and fat injected in her cheeks and nasolabia folds. She had her breast implants increased to DDDs, a butt augmentation and lipo on her stomach and thighs. Apparently, her palms and elbows were untouched. So the question is, so what? Everyone is up in arms over the young ingénue’s remodeling and feel that she crossed a line. So explain to us, if you respect the right a woman has to choose, why can’t this poor girl refurbish her own body? Heidi tells of how ugly she was and how she was mocked and told she had a Jay Leno chin. She was hideous and worthy of at least 3 paper bags over her head.

          If you believe in the right to choose then you must support Heidi’s right to have funbags that serve as flotation devices. If you believe a woman is the master of her own body then you must keep your mouth shut when Heidi chooses to get the post lobotomy look special. By the way, does the mini brow lift mean she only lifts one eyebrow. Let’s face it, she looks like someone just gave her a math problem with trains and apples.

          So Heidi, CoupleDumb, to maintain its integrity, supports your decision to Frankenstuff yourself. However, we will insist that you not speak about inner beauty or anything deeper than the smooth ridges on your brain. You see, when you try to justify your surgery, then you sound like a bigger idiot and that vacant look is not helping. Perhaps the surgeries also included a sphincter reroute to your mouth. So shut the fuck up and get your boobies to the size where you can no longer hear people talking about you. Because if you thought people talked shit before, it will only get worse. Perhaps you can have the surgeon install a disguise. Maybe a mustache and a club foot.