Uncategorized - CoupleDumb

Recently, I have been asked to write about attorneys and the legal system. We know that lawyers are the butt of many jokes but they do serve a purpose. The justice system keeps us safe. If it was not for this system then we would have anarchy. The justice system gives us a structured way to hash out our differences. A personal injury attorney will help navigate through the legal system when we are hurt. They act as consultants and advocates for those situations when we cannot help ourselves.

Whether it is a personal injury attorney in California or a worker’s compensation lawyer in Florida, they all play an important role in our civilization. Have you ever needed to deal with the legal system? For anyone that has, they know that it is not easy. It is easy to make jokes about lawyers but the moment that you are hurt and wronged, the humor is gone. That is when we all make the phone call.

After I needed an attorney my option on them changed. Yes, like everything else, it is important to do your research and find the right one for you. And then it is all about working the system and getting your life back on track.

Real Relationship Advice

Before shrugging off the shackles of working for ‘the man’, we worked out in the real world. Since both of us have a tendency to be workaholics, when we did work, there were many long nights. Paul was completing budgets, financial statements, writing grants, attending meetings or lobbying in the state or federal government. Whereas my nights were spent doing therapy under sinks, taking calls in the middle of the night because I was always on-call or writing grants as well. There were a few years where we were working 80-100 hours a week. This time was stressful not only because of the exhaustion and long hours but also because our priorities were perverted by our work addiction.

Work is a large part of our life. If we are to split the day in thirds, we spend 1/3 in bed, 1/3 working and 1/3 at home and family. The problem we have in this country is that we do not sleep 8 hours a night nor do we only a lot 8 hours to work a day. When we actually look at the time we spend in each activity we will see that we spend perhaps 3-5 hours with family, 6-7 hours in bed and the rest at work. On the weekends we try to make up for the loss of sleep and lack the energy to focus on the family. Sure, we will try. We will do our best impressions of good parents and take them to karate, soccer, 3 birthday parties and have a slumber party at home.

This is how we forget about our marriage. We play a constant game of catch up between sleep and work and parenting that we neglect to nurture the one relationship that would make all of the other things easier. We make things harder for ourselves by our lack of attention to our marriage. Work and careers do not ruin marriages. Lack of attention and priorities ruin marriages.

In our case, we could have easily fallen into the very common pattern of other couples. Once you acknowledge the chasm between you and your spouse you have a choice. To right this problem you must take responsibility and work it out. This could constitute some argument, some painful apologies and forgiveness. Many couples choose to avoid these things and ignore the rift pretending that all is well. We chose to go through the ugly stuff. We cried. We argued. We apologized and offered forgiveness; ultimately letting that lesson sink into our still sensitive skin.

10 years later we are here and better than ever. That crisis tested our foundation and commitment. During that time I went through a very traumatic experience where one of my clients died. I was under investigation and I had little support of the organization I worked with. Instead of sharing this with my husband, partner and best friend, I tried to keep it at work since we had such a space between us due to working too much. Eventually, I had no choice but to lean on him but to do this we had to work out our priorities. It was amazing how sharing that burden and grief made me feel a million times better.

At this point you need a crow bar to separate us. As individuals we are amazing but together we are unstoppable. I have a vision of my husband at his highest possibility and he has a vision of me like that as well. Our job is not only to work on our marriage but we must also work at becoming the individuals that reflect our spouse’s visions of us. Work isn’t worth losing what we have.

It’s my 47^th Birthday today! Since I’m not for celebrating my birthday so much I usually don’t make a big deal about it. However, I recently realized that I have been screwing myself out of wishes every year so this year I am taking all 47 wishes and putting them to good use. The following are my 47 wishes on my 47^th Birthday!!

1. I wish I had a valet for my sons so that he could keep their things neat and nice and so that during their nightly showers we wouldn’t have to scream, “You’re done!” or “Why are you running around naked?” every night.

2. I wish my favorite TV shows would stop taking off a week or month or 6 whenever they wanted. I’m looking at you, Dr. Who!

3. I wish I had a bigger kitchen.

4. I wish I had a transporter beam that could whisk us to see friends and family whenever we wanted.

5. I wish I had a coffee dispenser in my car.

6. I wish I could fulfill my goal to have sex on all 7 continents.

7. I wish I could watch TV without squinting.

8. I wish I could have gnomes wash the dishes and keep the kitchen clean. (Maybe the bathroom, too).

9. I wish some people, who will remain nameless, would get some sense.

10. I wish politicians understood that compromise is what they are supposed to do and it is not a sign of weakness.

11. I wish Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, The Dipshits on Fox and Friends, Karl Rove, Grover Norquist and a truckload of Tea Partiers would climb aboard the great space ark and leave our planet to go form their own colony on one of Jupiter’s moons.

12. I wish people would get famous for a talent and not for being infamous and extreme.

13. I wish I had never heard of “sex tape” and “Hulk Hogan” in the same sentence.

14. I wish I could take back wearing Hammer pants in college.

15. I wish I still had my Fiat 124 Sport Spider.

16. I wish I could get back the time I wasted on assholes.

17. I wish I could step back in time and re-experience my children for the first time.

18. I wish I knew how to play an instrument.

19. I wish I could be a pre-cog and foresee any pain in my loved one’s futures and prevent it.

20. I wish I could make a soufflé.

21. I wish I could roll my “r’s”.

22. I wish certain mean people would receive 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve.

23. I wish I weren’t so nice, sometimes. (It’s a curse, really.)

24. I wish bad drivers were consigned to drive inflatable cars so that their mistakes would not be as scary.

25. I wish there were an easier way to go from dying over gray hair to just having gray hair other than shaving your head or letting it grow out.

26. I wish there was a way of telepathically ordering groceries so you wouldn’t worry about forgetting something since they already know what you wanted.

27. I wish my sons could be quiet in the morning.

28. I wish I had some new luggage.

29. I wish everyone in my family were 100% healthy.

30. I wish my sons would stop growing so fast.

31. I wish my daughter could grow another 2 inches.

32. I wish someone would deliver some frituras de malanga and tamal en casuela to me right now!

33. I wish the smart people were louder than the stupid people.

34. I wish math and science were respected as the source of answers rather than a oija board.

35. I wish I had a really cool purse.

36. I wish I could meet a bunch of people that I have created cyber relationships with and give them a big hug.

37. I wish I can have a year without an ache or pain.

38. I wish I could take pictures of everything I see.

39. I wish everyone could respect the lifestyle of everyone else with the possible exception of those who believe they live in some sort of pre Apocalyptic Mad Max reality.

40. I wish Fox News went the way of the Dodo and New Coke.

41. I wish common sense wasn’t rare.

42. I wish fear mongers would grow a conscious and lemmings would grow a brain.

43. I wish I could re-experience falling in love with my husband again. Two words…San Diego.

44. I wish my friends and loved ones a healthy, happy, prosperous year!

45. I wish my husband and kids would have all their wishes come true.

46. I wish for peace on earth and good will towards men.

47. I wish I could have a Hostess Cherry Pie.

Happy Birthday to me!

At first blanch, this song is so silly and insipid with the cheesy 70s wowowos. When you really listen to the lyrics, there is a certain pain that is unmistakeably. As Nina Simone said in concert once, ‘What a shame to have to write a song like that…I don’t believe the conditions that produced a situation that demanded a song like that!’

This week, CoupleDumb will be tackling the subject of feelings. What are they? How many are there? Why do we need them and why the hell do we waste so much energy hiding them.

For today, listen to the song again. Now you’ll here it with different ears.

Real Relationship Advice

Slapping some silicone

Burning out some batteries

Riding the crotch rocket

The vibrator is nothing new. Women have been using vibrators for over a century beginning with steam driven massagers. In fact, Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator in 1902 which also happened to be the 5^th small appliance they produced. It seems historically that the advent of electricity heralded a multitude of products for women designed to massage and to reduce stress and hysteria. That’s right; vibrators were medicinal back in the day of Freud. Doctors felt that the eliciting ‘hysterical paroxysm’ or orgasm was the only way to treat hysteria. Since Hysteria was named after the uterus, it made perfect sense that the treatment should address the lady’s naughty bits. Today, the vibrator is as commonplace in a women’s nightstand as the Gideon Bible is in hotels. But, is it really a good thing?

Pros:

Every time a woman orgasms an angel gets its wings. No? Close enough. As we discussed last week, orgasms are not always easy for women. There are a myriad of reasons that may cause a woman to have a difficult time achieving orgasm that vibrators tend to fix. Many women require direct stimulation on the clitoris to be able to climax that regular intercourse does not provide. Many women report that a vibrator is the only way they can climax.

Cons:

Sex is like many other addictive things. And as such, there is a certain potato chip rule: one is not enough. When it comes to sex, the more experiences you have the more you raise the bar on what gets you off. The amount of stimulation provided by a vibrator can literally make you numb to ‘normal’ sex. In other words, your partner will not vibrate or flip their penises 360 degrees. This can affect your ability to achieve orgasm with your partner which could affect your intimacy.

Pros:

Orgasms are great for your health and being able to have them whenever you want makes life a lot easier.

Cons:

Some women develop vibrator dependence (back to the addiction model) and experience frustration when not available.

Pros:

It can accentuate sex play with your partner. There is nothing that says the vibrator is solely for women or that it needs to be used penetratively.

Cons:

Some partners become jealous of your BOB – battery operated boyfriend.

Everything in moderation. The use of vibrators can heighten the sexual experience but should not always be the main course when you are in a relationship. There is no judgment if you require it to achieve orgasm but CoupleDumb strongly suggests that there should be plenty of discussion surrounding their use when you are having sex with someone. It is hard to compete with something that shudders at adjustable frequencies and has gopher to directly stimulate your clitoris. Men just aren’t built that way.

CoupleDumb

When to get an attorney.

Working And Your Marriage

Lee’s Birthday Wishes

Feelings, Wo,Wo, Wo, Feelings

Burning Out Some Batteries