It’s my 47th Birthday today! Since I’m not for celebrating my birthday so much I usually don’t make a big deal about it. However, I recently realized that I have been screwing myself out of wishes every year so this year I am taking all 47 wishes and putting them to good use. The following are my 47 wishes on my 47th Birthday!!
1. I wish I had a valet for my sons so that he could keep their things neat and nice and so that during their nightly showers we wouldn’t have to scream, “You’re done!” or “Why are you running around naked?” every night.
2. I wish my favorite TV shows would stop taking off a week or month or 6 whenever they wanted. I’m looking at you, Dr. Who!
3. I wish I had a bigger kitchen.
4. I wish I had a transporter beam that could whisk us to see friends and family whenever we wanted.
5. I wish I had a coffee dispenser in my car.
6. I wish I could fulfill my goal to have sex on all 7 continents.
7. I wish I could watch TV without squinting.
8. I wish I could have gnomes wash the dishes and keep the kitchen clean. (Maybe the bathroom, too).
9. I wish some people, who will remain nameless, would get some sense.
10. I wish politicians understood that compromise is what they are supposed to do and it is not a sign of weakness.
11. I wish Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, The Dipshits on Fox and Friends, Karl Rove, Grover Norquist and a truckload of Tea Partiers would climb aboard the great space ark and leave our planet to go form their own colony on one of Jupiter’s moons.
12. I wish people would get famous for a talent and not for being infamous and extreme.
13. I wish I had never heard of “sex tape” and “Hulk Hogan” in the same sentence.
14. I wish I could take back wearing Hammer pants in college.
15. I wish I still had my Fiat 124 Sport Spider.
16. I wish I could get back the time I wasted on assholes.
17. I wish I could step back in time and re-experience my children for the first time.
18. I wish I knew how to play an instrument.
19. I wish I could be a pre-cog and foresee any pain in my loved one’s futures and prevent it.
20. I wish I could make a soufflé.
21. I wish I could roll my “r’s”.
22. I wish certain mean people would receive 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve.
23. I wish I weren’t so nice, sometimes. (It’s a curse, really.)
24. I wish bad drivers were consigned to drive inflatable cars so that their mistakes would not be as scary.
25. I wish there were an easier way to go from dying over gray hair to just having gray hair other than shaving your head or letting it grow out.
26. I wish there was a way of telepathically ordering groceries so you wouldn’t worry about forgetting something since they already know what you wanted.
27. I wish my sons could be quiet in the morning.
28. I wish I had some new luggage.
29. I wish everyone in my family were 100% healthy.
30. I wish my sons would stop growing so fast.
31. I wish my daughter could grow another 2 inches.
32. I wish someone would deliver some frituras de malanga and tamal en casuela to me right now!
33. I wish the smart people were louder than the stupid people.
34. I wish math and science were respected as the source of answers rather than a oija board.
35. I wish I had a really cool purse.
36. I wish I could meet a bunch of people that I have created cyber relationships with and give them a big hug.
37. I wish I can have a year without an ache or pain.
38. I wish I could take pictures of everything I see.
39. I wish everyone could respect the lifestyle of everyone else with the possible exception of those who believe they live in some sort of pre Apocalyptic Mad Max reality.
40. I wish Fox News went the way of the Dodo and New Coke.
41. I wish common sense wasn’t rare.
42. I wish fear mongers would grow a conscious and lemmings would grow a brain.
43. I wish I could re-experience falling in love with my husband again. Two words…San Diego.
44. I wish my friends and loved ones a healthy, happy, prosperous year!
45. I wish my husband and kids would have all their wishes come true.
46. I wish for peace on earth and good will towards men.
47. I wish I could have a Hostess Cherry Pie.
Happy Birthday to me!