Kids and why you can’t kill them

Stupid Things That Parents Teach

Sep 212011

THE Relationship Blog

I will never say I’m perfect. I think I have a great family but no family is without their faults. In my case, I think having my parents made my life better in so many ways. For one, I learned to be a risk taker from them. That has served me throughout my life. However, there are a myriad of things that sent me to the couch that were passed on from my parents. Some of which I will share now.

1. Communication: My parents have the worst communication habit I have ever seen (which is scary since I have worked with couples, domestic violence and pedophiles). They break every single rule for fair fighting I have ever read. They name call, they dredge up old stuff and if they feel they are losing, they exaggerate. This pattern cemented the idea that it would be so stupid of me to continue this behavior so I can honestly say, I haven’t. Now, I will admit there have been times when I am not at my best and I become irritated where that well trained, dirty fighter wants to come out. Usually, I put her in time out for a few minutes before letting her out again.

2. Loyalty: I come from a tight family. I am proud to say that we all get along like friends. However, blind loyalty can get you in trouble. I can say that I am supportive but I don’t have to put my life on the line, right? Loyalty is so important to me but I must always take priority. Being ‘me first’ is not selfish, it’s healthy if you need to have your needs met. This lesson took me a while to learn and not without a few bruises (metaphorical).

3. Guilt: Guilt is a useless emotion. Guilt is hardly ever felt post felony but usually felt when you perceive that you were not enough in a relationship. For example: I work to hard so I feel guilty that I am not playing with my kids. Here’s an idea, stop working and play with your kids! Guilt is a hole in the ground that we dug out ourselves and filled it with sharks, alligators and chum. Don’t do it. I watched my Dad feel guilty about his Dad’s death for decades. It complicated his grief and he has been feeling the sharp sting of the loss for over 30 years. It’s stupid and very sad.

4. My family first: This is a hard one to learn. This goes against everything you are taught in your family. However, when you have your own family, ie. a spouse/partner, children, they come first. Everyone else can take a number and a seat and wait their turn. The happiness, welfare and general well-being of my husband and children come before anything else in my life after I have taken care of my needs. My parents were notorious for forgetting their priorities sometimes and spread themselves too thin. I know they regretted that but that’s just retro guilt and also very stupid.

I love my parents and respect them. They have always been an unwavering source of support and I truly appreciate that from them. They have also been supportive of therapy and my profession in general. They tell me they are proud. Do they understand everything? No. But they figure I do, so they just go along with it and agree. I like that about them.

Proud Parenting

Kids and why you can't kill them

Sep 142011

THE Relationship Blog

I have a kid in college, another is the star of second grade and the youngest is brilliant. I am so proud of each of them. I am filled with admiration and appreciation for the incredible human beings I have the honor of parenting. Pride in children is a beautiful thing. The line between pride in your child and being a stage parent is quite thin. However, when is pride detrimental? When is pride in our kids pathological to the point where our parenting suffers? Where does the line between pride and irresponsibility lie?

A few generations ago, the most affection you saw was Father’s Knows Best. There were no hug just lots of wisdom to the kids ‘monumental problems’. The most a kid could ask for from their parents was pride. Love was not a word that was mentioned much back then. Despite the fact that most of us were born after this time, we continue this deep seated belief that a parent’s love is only secondary to their pride in us. We believe that being unloved is nothing like having your parents ashamed of you.

So, like in every other false belief, we overcompensate. We carry their pictures, we put their pictures on our work desk, we talk of them incessantly, we tell people that ‘our lives are our children’ and other crap like that. We are so proud of them we adorn our bumpers with student of the month stickers and stick figures of the family constellation. Pride has become a no-brainer. Of course, I’m proud of you!

However, what happens if little Benvolio or Starla makes a mistake? Where’s your pride now? Do you lie? Do you tell them, ‘Don’t worry Dumpling, I am still proud of you’? Of course we don’t! Pride is a fickle emotion and the slightest breeze can upset it. Or you fake it and decide that I will support my wonderful child whatever comes. Pride is fleeting. Pride does not keep you warm at night. And, ultimately, pride makes you lie if you want to continue to be proud because your kid, and mine, are not perfect.

A steady diet of love is a million times healthier than pride. Whereas love creates self worth and safety, pride creates ego and has a child associate their worth with what they do. In other words, if little Zamiel and Shyanne are sports stars, they will have proud parents. If little Zamiel drops a pop fly or Shyanne strikes out, the world is crap and all will die.

Pride is not inherently bad but how we practice it is. Pride is a lot like alcohol, on the surface, it is rather nice and enjoyable, when abused, you find yourself hugging a homeless man who smells of puke and miscellaneous garbage. It’s not pretty. And what about the children? What about Zamiel and Shyanne who forever more will seek validation through their actions and not who they are as people?

I am proud of my kids but most importantly, I love them. Regardless of homeruns or scholarships or clean rooms or perfect posture, I love them. Pride is fleeting and love lasts a lifetime.

Who Is That Thing?

Kids and why you can't kill them

Sep 012011

THE Relationship Blog

We really do not know our children. No, this is not one of those ‘they will lie to you if they can’ post. Sure, they will lie to us and manipulate and wheedle but that is just normal growing up. Any parent worth their salt knows this. We do not know our children because we, as parents, do not want to see them as they are; little reflections of us in the world.

Here is the story that started this little line of upsetting insight on my part. We just dropped off our daughter, Jeannie, at college for her first semester. While we were there, she and I had several meetings with counselors, mentors and the like. After we left, we get a call from one of them saying that she did not make it to the follow up meeting. I, of course, freak out and begin a nice rant at Lee (while we are driving through the hairpin turns of the Colorado Rockies, mind you) about how Jeannie just ignores responsibilities and can’t communicate when it comes to appointments and all of the other things that come when a parent rants about their kid.

Lee gets a hold of Jeannie, via text, and my daughter says that she had conflicting appointments, left a message with the mentor the night before and had already spoken to her to reschedule.

I was de-ranted and feeling more than a little guilty.

Following this week’s theme of defense mechanisms, of not seeing the truth because the truth holds to many implications, I found that I was having problems seeing my daughter as an adult. I saw her as a 14 year old that needed daddy and mommy to handle her shit because, God knows, she can’t. I was not seeing her as a person with adult responsibilities, rationalizations, coping skills and scheduling conflicts. I could not understand that she has some of the same day-to-day dilemmas as I do.

I am working very hard at seeing my children, especially my daughter, through unfiltered eyes. Now I know that that is an impossibility since we all have our filters but the least that I can do is acknowledge and accept these and try to do something about it.

So, why do we do this? Why is it so hard to see our little ones as they are and not some fixed point in the past? Part of it is human nature. Let’s face it, most of Buddhism talks about seeing each moment as an independent moment. I figure that, if we need a whole religion about it, it must be a pretty hard task.

The other part is that the ramifications of my little girl getting older and maturing is that I am getting older and my baby does not need me the way that she used to. If I cannot handle my own mortality, my aging and change in developmental stages, then how can I handle all of the little pieces that make up my aging? So instead I hold my children in stasis and that’s just not right.

So I am getting old, my daughter is getting older, and I need to stop acting like she is a baby. Or else I can send her to college in diapers but she might get laughed at. Wait, that might work! She gets picked on and I can go in and be big bad ass daddy. Good idea, Paul. I am off to go buy extra large diapers.