Kids and why you can’t kill them

What’s your kid’s attitude?

Oct 262011

THE Relationship Blog

As parents, we spend so much time worrying if our kids are eating right, sleeping enough, socializing enough, studying enough, playing enough and whatever else enough that we often forget to ask them how they are. We have found that there are many factors to raising happy kids. But the foundation to their happiness along with familial stability has to be attitude. That’s right! Soccer, basket weaving, Mandarin and sushi rolling classes are great but they will not tip the scales on whether little Jedediah is happy or not. Little Persimmon will survive without her native spear fishing class taught by a real Maori native. But ultimately, their attitude will define everything for them.

We moved a few months ago from Miami to Los Angeles (we repeat ourselves for those new to the blog or those with short term memory loss). Our move included 3 children ages 18, 7 and 4 and two dogs. The 18 year old went off to college and we are down to us and the two boys (and the two dogs, lest we forget). The boys have transitioned really well. They have adapted to their new environment, adjusted to new schools and seem really happy. As their parents, we are ever watchful for signs of grief or anxiety due to new surroundings. We haven’t seen any signs. On the contrary! Even our daughter is flourishing in school and she has Asperger’s! So what is the secret to this seamless transition? ATTITUDE!

Many people are raised to view change as something scary. They judge change to arise out of negative things. Problems, events, issues and situations are judged as personal attacks on your tender stability. This attitude towards change is one of fear and stuckness. There is nothing scarier than being stuck, however some people thrive in it. They think it’s the cat’s meow to be the same person year after year. However, throw a little issue into their lives and what you find is that attitude keeps them in a never ending cycle of grief, pain and re-injury.

Our kids don’t think that way. Their attitude towards life is one of adventure, risk taking and savoring the different. Introducing new things to kids is difficult on a good day but nearly impossible when a child is on the spectrum. Our daughter, however, loves change and welcomes it. Yes, she does become very anxious before the transition but she is able to jump in with both feet when a change is presented to her. Our sons are the same in that they have seen this move as an opportunity; an opportunity that we discussed for over a year and presented all of this as an adventure to remember.

We know we aren’t the best parents but we do make up for our parental misgivings by having a great attitude towards life. We can secretly be cynical and bitchy but our kids see us as partners in the treacherous and exciting waters of this adventure. We are the swarthy, unstable captains and they are the toothless shipmates who do all the grunt work. Come on, you didn’t think an adventure would be hard work for you, did you?

How is social media affecting us?

Kids and why you can't kill them

Oct 112011

THE Relationship Blog

According to Larry D Rosen, PhD, professor of Psychology at Cal State University, Dominguez Hills, adolescents who use social media and are not monitored by their parents tend to be less healthy, narcissistic and have poor school performance than those adolescents who have their computer use monitored and restricted. Unlike adults, kids see the internet as commonplace; they don’t know a world without it. Adults, however, are overwhelmed with the feeling that the world is getting smaller. Whether we admit it or not, the current concerns, aside from the economy and geopolitics, stem from a lack of privacy and closeness. In other words, we are feeling the pinch and we don’t know what to do.

So how is the internet and social media truly affecting us as a society?

1. Loss of privacy:

The concept of privacy is totally out the window. We think with a password or a firewall we can keep people out of our affairs and yet we post on Facebook, ‘Having a Pumpkin Spiced latte at Starbucks. Yum!’ We delude ourselves in thinking the privacy settings of Facebook are illusions of confidentiality. The truth is that a simple Google search will reveal more about you than you would like people to know. A simple Google search will tell your 3^rd grade nemesis, where you live and, for $29.00, they can have your phone number. We have been offered a deal; all of our information for all the information in the world. Instead of taking the trade off, we fight the faceless powers that be.

2. Kids are lost in the World Wide Web:

Remember when we were kids and TV was king? In our days, we were passive receptacles of information. Today, our kids take an active role. Unfortunately, with social media, the least of our humanity is shared on the net. It isn’t enough to be able to make friends and create connections, we share the base of humanity through gossip, bullying and perversion. Our kids are at the forefront of this. As adults, we do things like limit their porn access and God forbid they check out anything questionable on the web and yet allow them to join social networks without a thought as to what perpetrators are out there. We often received comments that we were violating our daughter’s privacy because we controlled her Facebook page (password and all). We tell people that, for a child, privacy is a luxury we can’t afford.

3. Communication is only typed.

We applaud the ability to create friendships across the world. I can say I have friends in Pakistan and South Africa due to the internet. However, when we only communicate via the written word, we lose some of the emotional content of our language. We are losing the ability to express ourselves verbally without adding idiotic LOLs and other text speak. Instead of typing it, do it. Laugh out loud. Laugh your butt off. Put away the tech and talk!

We are not anti-net. How could we be? What we are is pro monitoring of children and pro acceptance of the shrinking world. You can’t stop progress but you can make sure you move forward in a healthy manner. Now stop looking at the sleeping kitten meme and get back to work.

Arguing With Your Children

Kids and why you can't kill them

Sep 272011

THE Relationship Blog

Are your kids argumentative? Do your children say black when you say white? Do your kids like to suck the life out of every happy experience because they are contrary or adolescent or just can’t admit when they are wrong? Yep, ours too! Even though this is incredibly uncomfortable and frustrating, you cannot give in to temptation to crush your opponent (sorry, maybe that’s just us). There is a purpose to most of this oppositional behavior from your kids. And here they are:

1. They are asserting their independence:

Somewhere along the line, our kids figure out that we run their lives. They also notice that we seem to have all the answers. I remember my Dad would tell me this Spanish adage which meant absolutely nothing to me: ‘El Diablo sabe mas por Viejo que por sabio’ (translation: the Devil knows more from being old than being wise). Our kids won’t understand that until they are old like us. Until then, they assert their independence by arguing with our wisdom.

2. The game of Alpha does not end on the Serengeti.

We are animals with style and technology. Just because we moved out of caves into condos does not make us any better than our furry cousins. It is in our biology to mark territory, like a fence or car alarm, and we always seek out the hierarchy of any community. Establishing dominance is a game played with all animals and we are no different, however, we call it things like pissing matches or one-upmanship. When our kids question our authority we react like any tiger watching his cubs come at him, ‘Are you shitting me?’ Followed by the prompt swat to the back of the head.

Knowledge is great but ultimately, what do we do? First, it is unsafe for your child to be alpha in your family. Your job is to keep them safe and they are not equipped with that ability yet. Sure, they can probably make a sandwich or turn on a heater when it’s cold but they can’t walk into a school and verbally wipe up the floor with a teacher who is harassing them or ban them from certain friends who are a little faster track than your kid. They can’t do that because they lack the experience to know better and the blind need to protect that their parents possess.

Secondly, allowing a child to argue ad nauseum with you is giving them permission to question everything you say including such things to keep them safe (SEE PARAGRAPH ABOVE!). When a child controls the family, that child is in big trouble. I understand that you want Cinnamon Rainbow to have good self esteem, clear chakras and balanced chi but letting her/him decide what a family does, eats and generally thinks is not helping. Boundaries are vital at an early age. This is why we papoose babies when they are born! We like knowing how far we can go. We like knowing what our parameters are. We like knowing the rules. Without that, we cry uncontrollably or, if we are older than our baby counterparts, we will look for the edges with everything in our lives. This will look like a child acting out physically, emotionally and verbally. And who wants that?

So, you tell River Otter Melon that it is what it is because you say so. You tell Cloud Nirvana that you are the boss and you will not tolerate being disrespected. It is quite alright to play the Alpha and beat your chest and roar. However, don’t take it too far and banish them or something stupid like that. It is done from love and the need to protect your children not power. Unless you wield your power benevolently and only for the occasional fetching of stuff when you are watching TV. Then that’s OK.