Kids and why you can’t kill them - 2/31

Real Relationship Advice

Postpartum Depression is very real. My own experience pales at what I have seen as a clinician. My experience of PPD occurred after my last baby. I had no feelings of joy or happiness. I was terrified every moment of every day. The thoughts that ran through my head went from the typical parental fears to such severe perseverations of death and dismemberment that I feared being alone with the baby. Some women are blessed to never go through this. Some women go through milder forms of PPD and some even worse.

If you are pregnant, know the signs.

If you think you are experiencing Postpartum Depression, reach out now. Tell your family. Call your OB GYN. You are not alone.

Real Relationship Advice

I know this will come as a shock but sometimes babies are made accidentally or even show up as a surprise. Even if they are planned, some parents are terrified. That is completely normal. In fact, I worry if a person feels no fear when they are going to have a baby. The prospect of becoming a parent is daunting and to feign being calm or completely at peace with this is crazy. Heck, even when you have kids you go through terror at least once a year! What are some of the prospects of parenthood that should scare the crap out of you?

1. Birth:

No, we are not saying to be terrified of childbirth. We are saying you should be prepared. It isn’t easy. And then again, for some, it is a breeze. Whatever the case, be prepared. Don’t go into it thinking it has to look a certain way. Many a woman gets hung up on the idea of natural vs. c-section vs. no drugs vs. no pain vs. no v-bac vs. water birth vs. silent birth vs. hospital vs. midwife…. Whatever fantasy you have in your head about giving birth, get rid of it. The baby will come when it wants in the way it wants even if you schedule a c-section. We have known too many women who get all hung up on these ideas and forget the purpose of birth is to have a healthy baby.

2. The baby is crying:

The first time your baby cries for no apparent reason you will remember this. You will get scared. Your brain will rifle through every disease and terrible bacteria before settling on colic or ear ache or even just the baby is hot or uncomfortable.

3. Waiting for results:

The hardest part of an amnio or CVS is not the discomfort or fear of losing the baby. It is the 2 weeks you have to wait to find out if your baby is O.K.. That fear is unprecedented. You have never felt this before since you have never been responsible for the life of another human being.

4. Will you be enough?

If a parent tells you they have never questioned this, they are liars. A parent will always wonder if they are doing a good job or are they up to the challenge. You would be surprised at what you can do.

5. First boyfriend/girlfriend/bully:

You would be amazed at how angry you can become when someone does anything to your cubs…I mean babies. The image of a grizzly is not a silly reference to Sarah Palin but a real inflamed reaction to a threat to your child. The first time it happens you will feel so much anger that you can see why someone can murder.

So, it’s O.K. to be afraid as long as it doesn’t transfer to your kids. That is the worse.

Real Relationship Advice

When a couple decides to have a baby there is so much to do. Yes, making the baby is the obvious first step but even before that, you should be mentally preparing for a child. Here is a mental checklist a couple should go through before even contemplating making a baby:

1. Is your relationship strong enough to handle a constant interruption?

You know those days of lounging in bed all day or going out to eat after 9pm because you decided to take a nap and then fool around but who care because you’re adults and no one can tell you what to do? Yeah, those days are gone. Now, this does not mean you won’t get to go out. It just means you need to rethink what fun is and reschedule couple time.

2. How will you parent?

How will you discipline your kids? A united front is the most important aspect of parenting, next to consistency. Also, how will you deal with your respective families when they decide to ‘give you advice’? What are the rules?

3. What if your child needs extra assistance?

None of us expect to have a special needs child. When it happens, the stressors have destroyed the best of marriages. Being prepared is the best weapon you have against the unexpected.

4. Working?

Who will pick up the kid? Who will be responsible for taking care of the children while the other works or will you both work? If so, who will care for the baby? Who is ultimately the one who will handle these issues? You can say that you will share the duty but that usually is not realistic. One of you steps up or somehow gets the job by default. If you are honest about it from the beginning then one of you can make the choice thus resentment is thwarted. Paul and I have always shared all duties but when it comes to babysitting and stuff like that, I am the boss.

5. Why are you having a baby?

There are plenty of channels on cable to keep you entertained. There are great games on the Wii or computer to occupy your time. Why have a baby? So many couples neglect to discuss this crucial topic.

If you can get passed these questions, come back tomorrow for more baby stuff.

The Holiday Season is all about the kids. Seeing your kid’s face open up a gift is worth all the stress of the season. This year, we have some really awesome toys that we want you to see that will last for a very long time.

Ezy Roller by Ezy Roller

We have two boys ages 5 and 8 and they think the Ezy Roller is the coolest. It is super easy to ride and, as our 5 year old says, “It makes my heart beat really fast!” While my older son rides his bike, Ricky can move along right next to him. Also, living in the mountains, the Ezy Roller seems safer on the hilly roads. Best part, they can share!

Plan Toys Dancing Alligator by Plan Toys

Plan Toy Geometric Sorting Board by Plan Toys

Parents know that a toy will have many incarnations in their lifetimes. Blocks will be stacked by babies, knocked down by toddlers and used to build forts for older kids. A good toy has many lives and a sturdy well-made toy will live forever. Plan Toys are these kids of toys. They are made in the most environmentally favored ways and will last.

Cuddleuppet by Cuddleuppets

It doesn’t matter what age you are, everyone loves to cuddle. CuddleUppets are the perfect blanket/toy for a kid to bring with them on long trips. They pack away easily and roll out to be a comfy blanket or cute puppet! We like to bring them on airplanes. They fit perfectly attached to our boy’s backpacks and are just as easy to wash.

Fisher-Price TRIO Hot Wheels Stunt Ramp Builder

We love building sets for kids. Whether they are boys or girls, Fisher Price Trio’s has a set for them. Building enhances a child’s spatial ability and mathematical reasoning. Also, their imagination is constantly at challenged when they ask themselves, “what do I build now?” Sure, my boys are always building robots and laser beams but their creativity is boundless. Trio’s do not pinch or hurt as much as other building materials since their edges are smooth.

LeapFrog TAG Reading System by LeapFrog

This is just an amazing way of providing a fun support when your child is learning to read. We used this with our 5 year old who went from recognizing letter to reading within 2 months. Now, he uses his tag on new books to read “in his head” while the TAG system reads aloud. It is an aid but it does not do all the work. It just makes it more fun. My son often is found sitting on the floor reading with his TAG. Afterwards, he can read the books all by himself.

As you can see, all the toys we chose are the kind that will either enhance the mind or body. Video games are great but a strong body and imagination will last them a lifetime.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwaanza and Happy Chanukkah!

We were given an Ezy Roller, Plan Toys and Cuddleuppet for review. No other compensation was received. All opinions are ours or our kids which also belong to us.

Real Relationship Advice

Does the evil step-parent myth still exist? You bet! Any adult entering a relationship with a person with children must take into account the ramifications of becoming a parent figure to those children. This is why it is harder for people with children to find a partner. Many are spooked by the possibility that they could be the evil step parent or worse, be stuck with a child that will vilify them forever. Many parents are oblivious to how heavily influenced the role of step parent and step child are by the media. There are so few happy stories out there of happy, healthy blended families. We know that the horror stories are just louder than the happy ones.

The fear of a ready-made family is also very real. When you have children involved, the honeymoon phase of a relationship gets commuted to time stolen. You make an extra effort to include the children to avoid being the evil step parent. You make an extra effort not to monopolize your spouse to avoid being the evil step parent. This leads us to the question we recently received:

I am engaged to this great girl who has 2 kids. I have two kids of my own. We have decided to move in together. I am trying not to be a baby but I really would like some attention, too! I don’t want her kids to think I’m a dick and I appreciate that she is doing so much for my kids but that leaves me with nothing. How do I talk to her about this?

The good news is that you are tackling this issue before you are even married. Most families avoid the topic until it is too late or there are so many hurt feelings that a solution is more difficult. This issue, as I mentioned above, is very common. You must broach it with her first not accusatorially but as a foundational conversation on how you will parent your step kids. How would you define your role as a step parent?

This conversation then needs to become a family conversation. This discussion is vital if you are to become an integrated family system. Discuss your roles, commitment and lay out how things will work. If there are shared custody issues this conversation needs to be extended after this to include the ex’s. The reason why these relationships get so messed up is that we deny that everything we do is interrelated with everyone. We deny that the non-custodial parent has any impact other than alternate weekends. Including everyone is the healthy way of dealing with blended families and creating a strong foundation for the children. This strategy will help your family avoid any possible issues with undermining power or even triangulation.

Good luck!

CoupleDumb

Postpartum Depression

Fear And Parenting

Baby Checklist

Holiday Gift Guide For Kids

The Evil Step Parent Myth