Real Relationship Advice

Certain subjects make us uncomfortable. Some people don’t like discussing their finances. Some people don’t like discussing childhood trauma. But most people are tight lipped about discussing their own sexual experiences. Don’t get us wrong, these same individuals will talk about sex in the abstract and will participate in lurid conversations but they do not share the most important tidbits about their sex life. Women are especially guilty of this. Funny how most women will have conversations about sex and yet 43% of us report not being able to regularly reach orgasm and yet the discussions are not prescriptive or supportive.

Most women experience their first orgasm through masturbation. Whether you are alone or your partner is giving you a hand, the first experience can be confusing since, unlike men, there is not a physical manifestation of the orgasm (ejaculate). Sure, pornography has introduced this new concept that a woman can ejaculate but science has yet to catch up to these exceptional women who continue to promote impossible examples of what a sexual woman experiences. The intensity of an orgasm is directly correlated with the level of relaxation of the woman. In other words, the more relaxed, the more you come.

Since women have difficulty explaining an orgasm, we thought an explanation was in order:

1. The Clitoris: The Clitoris is the only body part on either sex that is solely for pleasure. It is described as a nub or button that has 8000 sensory nerve endings with the expressed purpose of pleasure. The clitoris is comparable to the head of a penis but is even more sensitive. The clitoris is the main source of sexual pleasure for a woman. Some women are clitoral sensitive and cannot handle direct stimulation. However, the majority of women can. Most women who report having orgasms are having clitoral orgasm. Thanks to Freud and a male dominated scientific community, the clitoral orgasm was considered ‘immature’ and was discouraged. The reality is that the clitoral orgasm is the gateway to the possibility of deeper orgasms. The common orgasm experience for women is contractions and increases of breath and heart rate.

2. The Vagina: The Vagina is Latin for sheath or scabbard. The vagina is a muscle and does not possess the nerve endings to create an orgasm. The benefit of the lack of nerve endings is that it reduces the pain of childbirth. What you probably are unaware of is that the vulvar and clitoral tissue extend down into the vagina. Since the vaginal opening tilts downward while a woman is laying down, this increases the likelihood that the man’s pelvis will directly make contact with the a woman’s mons veneris (mons pubis), the fatty mound over the pelvic bone, which provides sufficient pressure over the clitoris. A vaginal orgasm, which was once considered the only real orgasm, is wonderful when it happens but is secondary to the clitoral orgasm.

‘The Hite Report’, published in 1976, reported 26% of women experienced regular vaginal orgasms during intercourse with no manual stimulation of their clitoris.

The study also found:

• 19% rarely experienced orgasm during intercourse
• 16% did so if there was manual stimulation of their clitoris at the same time
• 24% did not experience orgasm during intercourse at any time
• 12% had never experienced orgasm under any condition
• 3% had never engaged in vaginal intercourse.

So, the physiological reality is that clitoral stimulation is necessary for orgasm for most women. If your partner has issues with this, have him read this. Studies show that most men are interested in learning how to give a woman pleasure and the search for an orgasm is a great way to create intimacy for both of you. But, before you can embark on this journey, you need to be honest. Stop faking it. Stop pretending to be fine. You deserve to have pleasure in your life. Talk to your partner and friends. Life is too short to be having mediocre sex.

Please Note: We will be discussing pornography and sex toys next week.

Real Relationship Advice

The Unicorn. The Yeti. The Female Orgasm. Three of the most elusive things that have been thought myth but some people swear by them. The Female Orgasm is considered useless because it serves no purpose in the sexual act. While a man’s orgasm is the delivery system for one of the ingredients in creating life, the female orgasm does not help or hinder baby making. In fact, Female Sexual Dysfunction is so common that many scientists believe that it isn’t a dysfunction at all! Perhaps we aren’t meant to enjoy sex like men. Perhaps we are just there as a receptacle and hopeful carrier of the male seed to produce more males who will continue this cycle. And perhaps the scientists are thinking about the orgasm completely wrong.

Science has been good enough to note that relaxation is the number 1 contributing factor to being able to achieve an orgasm. However, the concept of being relaxed is a lot more complicated than a deep breath and recitation of a mantra. Relaxation has several components that must be present or you just can’t achieve it. As we have mentioned in our relaxation series on Thursdays, the most important part of being relaxed is trusting. In the milieu of bed gymnastics, this is imperative. If you do not trust your partner then you will not achieve an orgasm. If you do not trust yourself, you will not achieve an orgasm.

Furthermore, women are socialized about sex differently. In the old days, the scientific community believed that schizophrenia was caused by the maternal double bind. A double bind is where you receive two or more conflicting messages where they ultimately negate each other. If the old theory of schizophrenia were true, all women would be sexual schizophrenics. We are told that our virginity is golden and then are told by our peers that virginity is tantamount to a curse. We are told that good girls don’t but those who don’t are cockteasers. We are told by our lovers that sex will strengthen the relationship and then after find out that we are no longer respected because we ‘gave it up’. We are constantly fed these two messages as we grow up and then when we reach womanhood we hear that we should be having sex with our partners, we are responsible for our orgasms and we should enjoy ourselves. However, with 20 years of misinformation mixed with trauma and a smidge of confusion, how are we supposed to be the vixens we are expected to be?

Science has also not explored the detrimental effect of shame on sexual health. A person who carries shame cannot allow such intense pleasure as an orgasm. If you carry any kind of shame surrounding your sex life, gender, body image, past experiences or even your own ineptitude, you will not be able to trust enough to relax enough to be able to achieve climax. Shame will work against you by reminding you, distracting you and eventually killing your ardor.

Female Sexual Dysfunction affects over 43% of all women. The psychological and physiological factors of Female Sexual Dysfunction are treatable but the first step would be to identify that you have a problem and that you deserve better. Ultimately, lack of worthiness is probably the biggest culprit in the quest for the Big O. When we try so hard for so long, sometimes we give up especially when the one who will benefit the most is ourselves. This is not intended to be ‘punny’ but achieving an orgasm really necessitates a large dose of self love. Without this, why would we go through the bother?

Real Relationship Advice

Being tired is not new to men. Back in the 50’s, a man was responsible for bringing home the bacon and all household concerns were the wife’s job. Today, a man is still expected to work but also contribute equally to the rearing of his children. A man is being held responsible for parenting and the men who take this on are tired. The absentee Dad of the past is no longer tolerated in most circles. Today’s Dad needs to work, succeed, coach soccer/little league, attend recitals and fix booboos all while chasing his wife around and being the sexual aggressor in the marriage. Anything less and he is a disappointment.

When it comes to sex, women are considered a conundrum dipped in an enigma and festooned with confusion. While men are what you see is what you get. Some common beliefs are that men are always ready, indiscriminate, not responsible for their ravenous sex drive and, as proven by Charlie Chaplin, fertile from their first wet dream to their last breath. The truth is that this is not all true. Sure, there are men who could be characterized as walking erections but the vast majority of men who enter into relationships can understand a deeper connection.

The Male Sexual Response:

The Excitement Phase: The phases are the same as women and in many respects the same physiological processes are in play. The Excitement Phase is all about blood flow. As a man becomes excited his blood pressure rises, heart and breath rates increase, blood flow increases to his genitals, his penis becomes erect and he may excrete pre-ejaculatory fluid (physiology is amazing- this fluid is natural lubricant!). Like women, this phase can take minutes or hours and can be accomplished with clothing on and can be elicited by a conversation, a photo or just the smell of perfume.

The Plateau Phase: This phase is the buildup prior to ejaculation.  This phase looks a lot like the excitement phase with the added increase in penis size as the man becomes fully erect. As this phase approaches the next, the scrotum is drawn into the body which is a means to propel the semen further (like cocking a gun). This phase is the actual intercourse phase.

The Orgasm Phase: This phase is characterized by the release of sexual tension and ejaculation. A man’s orgasm is characterized by contractions of the base of the penis for the expulsion of semen and spasms throughout his body.  (NOTE: Men do have ‘better’ (defined as more intense or longer) orgasms when the excitement and plateau phases are extended).

The Resolution Phase: This Resolution Phase is characterized by the loss of erection, heart and breath rates returning to baseline and a general sense of relaxation and satisfaction. The Resolution Phase varies for men. Men require a refractory period after sex before they can do it again. This period can be minutes to hours. Some men have refractory periods that last days. This period is dependent on many factors including age, health and whether the man has been drinking. Unlike a female response, multiple orgasms are just not possible for men.

There have been studies regarding extending the orgasm phase for men but in reality the orgasm is not extended as much as the plateau phase is intensified without allowing the man to ejaculate.  This process takes a lot of time and should be done only when the couple is assured no interruptions. In other words, this is vacation sex not Tuesday night after NCIS sex.

A question for men: Has your sexual response changed over the years?

Have you ever used anything to increase your stamina?