Real Relationship Advice

Time has a way of messing with us. We are either bored, with too much time on our hands, or we are overwhelmed because we just don’t have enough time. Few people have a good relationship with time. They can manage their time well and always seem to have enough. While most of us are either running out of time and overwhelmed with the multitude of tasks that present themselves and we just can’t say no to another assignment or meeting and oh crap the teacher asked for a baked good tomorrow morning and when do I get to sleep and the sad answer is ‘when you die’. We understand life can be complicated. We also understand that time is an illusion and that we have become a slave to the clock. As we finish up our Tired Parent series we want to address the concept of ‘not enough time’.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Unfortunately, when it comes to sex, we are like kids in a candy store. We run in, try everything while frenetically singing Candyman and pass out in a satisfied heap (those of us who were lucky to find great partners). Sure, we remember those long afternoons watching the warm sun filter through the sheer curtain that moved lazily with the breeze while we lay there all tangled together. Sure, weekends dedicated to being horizontal with the occasional break to shower together were amazing. Many people think marriage will resemble these hedonistic time that only lacked someone fanning us and another peeling our grapes.

Things change and there are some that do not understand it. Marriage is a lot like Christmas morning and you open up the toy you always wanted. You would play with that toy morning, noon and night. You would dream of that toy. Slowly you would transition to playing with it in the afternoons, after school. Then it was on the weekends. Some people would tire of it and look for something new to play with. Some were committed to this toy and would keep it around and play occasionally with it. Wow, this metaphor is really depressing. Kind of like Toy Story 3 but about sex and it doesn’t end with someone else playing with the toys but Andy actually playing with them at least 2 times a week until he dies.

The reality of sexual boredom is like any kind of boredom, only boring people get bored. Marriage was not instituted for sex. Long term relationships wither and die if they are based solely on sex. Life happens. Stress and the occasional illness will make daily sex impossible. A great companionship and friendship is the real goal of any long-term relationship. Yes, sex is important and great but it really is the making time for one another and reminding your partner that they are sexual beings and not just Mom or Dad.

So, when sex is not an option and the clock has got you by the short hairs and the deadline is looming, remind that spouse of yours of how sexy they are and that if you had the strength, and time, you would gladly spend the afternoon tangled up horizontally with them in some bedroom (or hotel in San Diego). That can do more for someone than just an orgasm….not that there is anything wrong with an orgasm.

Real Relationship Advice

‘Don’t Assume…because it makes an ass out of u and me’ is never more true than when you are having sex. Many of us assume that we know what we are doing or become comfortable with a partner over the years. However, people change. People change so much that what once was a sure-fire way of getting someone to orgasm may become passé or even uncomfortable. Our likes change. Our biology changes. We make more mistakes than you can imagine and here are some of the good ones (as in really bad mistakes):

1. ‘I am really good in bed. I can make him/her cum every time’

That sounds great and we are sure it boosts your ego and self esteem that you have mad sex skills but if the statistics are correct, you are wrong.

2. We blow our wad in the beginning.

You may think this is about premature ejaculation but it isn’t. When we are in relationship we tend to get lazy in bed. In the beginning, we do all of our tricks and take the time to be playful and passionate. We wear the lingerie, we buy the fuzzy handcuffs and we invest time in our sex play. We make it memorable. We make it so memorable that when we have been together for years, we think back and become really sad. Why can’t it be that way again? Why can’t we be exciting?

3. Shiny and new is better.

We equate new with passion. We believe that if we are with someone new it will reinvigorate us. And, unfortunately, it is true, for a time. Ultimately, your laziness will sneak its way back into your bedroom.

4. Fake it until you make it.

Faking it is the stupidest thing someone can do in bed. (We are talking to women and men with this one.) If we fake excitement or an orgasm than that gives our partners the message to do it again like that. We are simple creatures in the bedroom and operant conditioning is hard to break. If you touch your partner in a certain way and they make a sound of enjoyment, you do it again. We are like little mice pushing the bar for a food pellet. Now if you fake that noise, be prepared for your partner to bite your elbow every chance you are in bed.

5. The grass is greener

Much like the shiny and new thing we also like to compare ourselves to other couples. Each couple creates their own groove and it works for them (if they really created the groove together and they are both happy with that groove). Sure, we would love to have sex for hours but we have kids and it isn’t realistic. Lamenting the lack of hedonism in your sex life is akin to longing for your college glory days. Those days are gone and you are not the same person. Get over it.

CoupleDumb says have sex and enjoy each other.  Being tired and having kids should not dictate your sex life. Work around it and make it exciting. Be creative. Rekindle the fire and keep it stoked. We must always remember that before we were Mom and Dad we were Woman and Man and our needs are real and important. Feeling good about yourself and being satisfied sexually is a great self esteem booster. Now go lock the door and get some!

Real Relationship Advice

What’s the difference between good kinky and bad kinky?

The answer in a moment….

For many Tired Parent, the thought of lounging in bed and taking our time to have fun in bed is a fantasy not unlike the one where you win the lottery or George Clooney delivers your pizza and professes his deep love for you (you can have your own fantasy). The problem is, this fantasy is not an illusion based on a wish but a desire to relive days gone by. When you first began your relationship, you had lazy afternoons of lounging in bed and completely disregarded that chocolate syrup could mess up the sheets or that that much sex would cause a UTI. It was hedonistic and heady and the memories are among your fondest of your relationship.

Like many things in the sexual arena we have developed certain understandings based on our limited experiences. Sure, you can be a Casanova that has known so many women you lost count sometime ago or the lady equivalent but when you are a Tired Parent, those days seem like an aged photo of serious family members found in the attic. We believe that we need hours to play with handcuffs and anything involving role play or costumes must be consigned to memory and that special box in your closet that the kids must never find. CoupleDumb say ‘NO!’

Time is an illusion. If you do not understand this then you are its slave. If you let time run you, you will never have time. When we become overwhelmed by the day to day grind of work and kids and home we allow time to take over our lives thinking that we can manage the situation better if we become time wizards. If you think you will have time someday, you are deluded.  There is only now.

First we start having sex again regularly and then we need to bring the fun back into the bedroom.  But how?

1. This seems silly to say but make sure you have a lock on your door.

2. Commit to once a month going to bed early (an hour at least).

3. See where the sexy conversation leads you. Kinky can be contrived if you over-think it. It needs to evolve organically. In other words, if you show up to the bedroom once a month with whipped cream and ice cubes you will get bored.

4. HAVE FUN! Nothing makes sex better than laughter.

Intimacy is not created in the act of intercourse. Intimacy is created when we share our fantasies and dreams. Being kinky is a naughty way to deepen your relationship.

The answer….Good Kink is using a feather. Bad kinky is using the whole chicken.

What are some of the ways you bring FUN into the bedroom?