THE Relationship Blog

Why…..Is the hardest thing you ever have to answer. ‘Why’ is the root cause, the impetus, the answer to the riddle… ‘Why’ we do anything has been the question since the beginning of recorded time. In fact, there is a whole school of thought in psychology that says, ‘forget why, just focus on the what’ because we don’t have the time to wait for that answer. Well, CoupleDumb is not from that school. We are what you would call, ‘Old School’. We are all about the ‘why’. We are all about getting to the motivation, traumas and decisions. Only when we answer ‘why’ can we move on to ‘what’s next’.

Why to fuck?

We have the ‘who’ and the ‘when’, but the ‘why’ is a little more complicated.  Why do we have sex at all?

For some of us it is an easy question. For others…well, that’s where it gets complicated. We often say that sex is a physical release that you share with another person. Intimacy is not necessarily the purpose for sex. If we limited our intimacy to sex then feeling close to your partner comes at a cost. We believe that intimacy is something you share with a touch, a snuggle, a long kiss before going to sleep. Intimacy is not an orgasm. Intimacy is the emotional connection, a sharing of a moment of the heart. Fucking is not the place for that. Sure, you can feel intimate with your partner but if you are fucking someone for the first time, you are kidding yourself if you believe that intimacy has anything to do with it.

Of course to understand any of this, we must look within. We must be aware of our sexual beliefs and hang-ups before we start knocking boots. The lack of self understanding has killed more than a million relationships in their infancy. You can be having a wonderful time in bed and all of a sudden something he or she does triggers a memory or emotion and the fun-times are drowned in a sea of insecurity.

For some people, the why of sex is ‘because the partner wants it’. That is probably one of the saddest reasons to have sex. Where are you in all of this? Sex is a dance, a tango of the naughty bits. If you are just doing things to appease your partners desires than when do you fulfill your desires? This harkens back to a common CoupleDumb theme of rescuing. Rescuers always end up resenting their victims. It works out like this, ‘Ah, you poor thing. You want to have sex? O.K.’. Which evolves into, ‘Oh you want to have sex? What about my needs?!’ This is one of the slippier slopes of relationships. Sex is not something you grant people or give into. It’s not like having pizza when you wanted a salad.

Why to fuck is simply based on carnal curiosity and, for those who have been doing it for a while, carnal sating. Nothing more and nothing less. It is not the foundation of a relationship. It does not make the relationship better or worse. It does not bring you closer! Sex is a physical act. Sex is fun. Due to our family of origin, hang-ups, messed up dates in our misspent youth and such, sex becomes complicated. Uncomplicate it by remembering that sex in itself, with someone with whom you feel safe and trust, is just a physical release.