Real Relationship Advice

If you read CoupleDumb or if you simply look at previous posts, you know that I am no shrinking violet. I am the one who will ‘go there’, stay there and sometimes make camp in the provocative. If you have watched ‘Relationship Rehab’, you know that I do not shy from sex talk and I am quite vocal about being sexy and remembering that we are sexual beings. Also, if you have read about addiction on our site, you will recall that I have admitted to being a sex addict and my drug of choice was porn. I say all of this to preface why my main point here and it is that I WILL NOT BE READING ’50 shades of Grey’.

My understanding is that ’50 shades of grey’ is an erotic novel which is a nice way of saying that it’s a sex book hiding beneath the veneer of something you can read in a book club. I remember these books. They were the type you could pick up in dildo stores and they usually had covers of cartoon sex or a couple that looked a whole lot like Ken and Barbie who were in mid disrobement. These books always had the same premise; 1. Innocent girl doing good girl things like working hard or going to school  2. Man who is sexy and he can’t take his eyes off of her (does he seek to consume her innocence?) 3. Man has weird sexual proclivities and he can’t wait to deflower the girl. 4. Girl gets deflowered and likes it. Without having read the books, how close am I to the premises of these books?

Look, I have nothing against porn or erotic writing. I have nothing against a little fun. I do caution everyone on what these books and images do to unwitting readers/viewers. Whether we want to or not, the images elicited from these pornographic materials pervert and warp our mind. As I have mentioned countless times, when we indulge in certain sexual fantasies we raise the bar or threshold for sex. In other words, if you engage in sex with multiple partners, this will be your new threshold. Regular, missionary sex with one person will not cut it anymore. If you read or watch sex that is different than what you do normally, it can encourage you to expand your repertoire but it can also create a vacuum between what you know you can get from your partner and what you really want to fulfill a certain fantasy. In other words, porn breeds dissatisfaction due to unrealistic expectations.

There is nothing wrong with regular missionary sex. In fact, regular missionary sex is probably one of the best positions for both men and women because of the positioning of his pelvis to hers and the angle of thrust. Physics-wise everybody is happy! There is nothing wrong with toys in the bedroom. You know I don’t mean the odd Lego on the floor but something that vibrates. The problem is when you can’t achieve orgasm without them. The dependency is where the addiction is.

So, I will not be reading ’50 Shades of Grey’. Godspeed to all of you who have. Me, I will dress up my husband in a nice grey suit and we can have our own party.

Real Relationship Advice

          Sex Education is many things but thorough is not one of them. Sex Education is taught primarily in most public schools in grades 4/5, 7/8 and high school. The curriculum varies throughout the US but focuses on certain topics involving sexuality specifically gender roles, relationships, avoiding pregnancy and STDs. The only mention of orgasm is when discussing ejaculation and the possible pregnancy that may ensue. Sex Education never covers the topic of pleasure because that is considered either to personal or just awkward to discuss why people do it in the first place. So why do we find it weird that people do not understand the ‘what and why’ of an orgasm?

Sex is a noun and a verb. The act of sex is one of the most confusing, controversial, talked about and misunderstood verbs in the world. People develop these understandings about it based on books that mention it in passing and live their lives believing in some sense that they comprehend it. People base their understanding on their experiences, negative or positive, and then label all sex accordingly. People misuse, abuse and rationalize the who, what, and why of sex every moment of every day. And yet, we don’t bother to teach our kids the reality of sex.

If CoupleDumb were in charge of the world and we had the opportunity to revamp Sex Education, these are some concepts we would teach the kids (now, we always encourage parents to jump in and teach your children about these things. If you are too chicken shit to do this, find an aunt, uncle or friend who will.)

1. Sex is fun: Kids learn through understanding innuendo and just their own masturbatory experiences that sex can be fun.  The problem is that this is some bad kept secret in society because we never tell our kids just that. Perhaps we are afraid that if we tell them it’s fun they will treat it like that new Wii game they got for Christmas that they played constantly for 7 days until you took it away like it was crack. Explaining that sex is a source of pleasure for mature adults who take precautions not only to prevent pregnancy but also to transmit diseases is a lot different than sex is a hedonistic free for all. Explaining that two consenting adults who care for one another engaging in sex responsibly may not sound sexy but realistically, we know that that is when the truly good sex happens.

2. Sex can be beautiful/Sex can be dangerous: Mom’s, you need to explain to your daughters that their orgasm is important. Women grow up with the understanding that our orgasms are optional. As long as our man orgasms and we feel that we shared some intimacy, sex is awesome. We need to tell our daughter’s differently (catch CoupleDumb tomorrow for more on this topic). We need to explain to our kids that sex is not a weapon, a toy or something to impose on or deny to someone.

3. When you have a problem with sex, speak with someone: The shame we carry when discussing our personal sexual experience is overwhelming. Sure, sex as an abstract topic is scintillating and can make for fun conversations. We tend to draw the line when our own sexcapades are broached. If all we want as parents is for our children to be happy then we need to understand what our kids understand about sex so that someday they can lead fulfilling lives as adults. If our children carry shame, confusion or just plain do not get the mechanics of sex, it is our responsibility to explain it to them.

There are so many things we can teach our children that schools just do not have the time, money or relationship to teach them. It is our jobs as parents to put away our childishness and explain sex ed like a practical course and not philosophy. If our children’s happiness is one of our main priorities than teaching them the birds and bees better involve a discussion on orgasms and love.