Monday, Heavy Monday » CoupleDumb

5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce, Number 1

Jan 162012

THE Relationship Blog

January is Divorce Month! Gosh, we didn’t get you anything. But seriously, more divorces are filed in the month of January than any other month. For family lawyers, this is like tax season for CPAs. Sadly, this is the result of starting the New Year fresh. Many people tend to make big decisions when faced with the prospect of another year. So that we are very clear, CoupleDumb is not pro-marriage; we are pro happy and healthy marriages. A divorce is a necessary evil when you find yourself in a relationship that does not work for you and is slowly eroding your esteem and soul. So, we invite all people in the midst of divorce to entertain the possibility of a healthy divorce.

Yes, it is possible to have a healthy divorce. We just don’t see them very often because most people are continuing to play out the dysfunction of their marriage in their divorce. You need to ask yourself, why? Why are you arguing, fighting, positioning and committed to destroying your former spouse? For the next few days we will detail the 5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce!

1. Whose drama are you playing out?

As soon as someone waves the divorce flags, lines are drawn and sides are taken. Divorce has become more contentious in our society than war in the Middle East. Our anger pours out over the splitting couple for all the crap we assume happened and the hurt our friend or family member is feeling. Meanwhile, you, the one going through the trauma, are left to seethe.

Divorce has become a fight instead of a split and moving on. Divorce lawyers do not want you to be amicable. It does not serve them for your divorce to be amicable. A lawyer does not care about your future relationship with your soon to be ex. A divorce lawyer is there to get you what you want. If there is property, they want you to have the property. If there are kids, they want you to have the kids. Unfortunately, equitable distribution is namby-pamby language used when a couple is acting like adults. Divorce lawyers say things like, ‘sole custody’,’ child support’ and ‘alimony’.

The negotiation style of a divorce lawyer looks the same every time. Ask for everything. Trash the opponent. Then, negotiate. In other words, striking fast and hard during a divorce will yield the most equitable results in the end. However, who heals the wounds caused by the divorce when the wounds of the marriage are still open?

Every divorce is started with injured parties. It hurts when something is over, the least of which is the cause of divorce. Whether it was infidelity, lack of communication, money, growing apart or abuse, the loss and grief over the failed marriage leaves the individual in emotional pain. If we listen to our lawyers, we must be ruthless. If we listen to our friends and family, they recommend the same. However, how does that serve you? Where is the integrity in painting your ex as an alcoholic or abuser or whatever will make you more sympathetic while trashing them?

Divorce does not need to be ugly. We recommend divorce with integrity. Divorces like your kids are listening to everything you say. Divorce as if you are running for office. Be proud of how you behave and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage without vilifying your ex. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to tear it apart. Take responsibility for your part. No more blaming. Remember the good times but only to remind you that at one point you loved your ex. There is no need to be abusive in divorce so discuss the terms and hire one lawyer to help with the paper-work. It will save you money, time and heart ache.

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Secrets To A Happy Marriage, Number 1

Monday, Heavy Monday

Jan 092012

THE Relationship Blog

Saturday we celebrated our 23 year anniversary. 23 years. 23 happy years. We point that out since we have met many couples who have been married longer than us and they look like they should be on anti-depressants and perhaps some ECT (electric shock treatment for those who whistle happy tunes everyday). Being married a long time is not an accomplishment if you are miserable. It’s a prison, wrapped in a straight jacket and rolled in glass; pain is not an accomplishment.

Happiness is not a dream but a real possibility for everyone. This is how we are starting this new year. 2012 is the year of HAPPINESS! Happiness is not bestowed on you like a veil made of cotton candy and stars but is something you create and maintain like a garden or, for those of us who do not have a green thumb, a website. You upload the information you like, weed out the crap you don’t and check it every day to make sure some ass hasn’t shat on your creation.

So, what is the secret to our happiness as a couple? Secret number one will surprise many but not those who believe in the power of love:

1. WE DON’T FIGHT!

Maybe that was too simple. We don’t position ourselves. For whatever reasons, there are many couples who have made the decision that their spouse is wrong. When we have this belief, everything becomes an argument. I’m right, you’re wrong. It’s up, not down. It’s black, not white. This way of being is learned and practiced throughout the generations. We do not respect one another. Ladies, we think men are stupid or unfeeling or inconsiderate or brutish. Gentlemen, we think women are stupid or emotional or irrational or weak. With these beliefs, we are doomed.

Unfortunately, when we are stressed, tired, hungry or angry, we revert to old beliefs, old patterns and pretty much treat our spouse as the blue robot in Rockem Sockem Robots. ‘I will knock his block off!’ We aren’t saying that all couples are physically inappropriate but that you do argue as if it is a cage match and the prize is that hideous belt that you will wear proudly.

How not to fight:

1. Commit that there is no subject matter in the world more important than your marriage. Being right is not more important than your marriage.

2. Respect for each other is above all. Commit that you believe that your spouse is intelligent, loving and above all else a good person with your families best interest at heart.

3. Commit that you will not ever argue when hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Take a time out. It works for the kids and works better for adults.

If you can’t do these things than we would suggest that you reconsider your marriage. We know that it is a harsh thing to say but ultimately, why fool yourself? If you can’t commit to your spouse being a good person than why are you with them?

Tomorrow, more secrets…..

Happy New Year from CoupleDumb!

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Monday, Heavy Monday

Dec 232011

Have a lovely holiday. Enjoy your families and catch next weeks all time fave.

CoupleDumb wishes you and your loved ones the Merriest of Christmas’, the Happiest Hanukkah, The Happiest Kwanzaa, The Merriest Yule and Winter Solstice and The Best Holidays. May your New Year be filled with love, health, laughter, joy, abundance and fun.