What are the gems you have heard in a relationship that have left you scratching your head? What are the clichés that your friends and family tell you to make their so-called relationship less unhealthy? There are so many lies we tell ourselves that keeping the list to three was kind of difficult. Today’s saying is so stupid that the mere mention of it sends us into uncontrollable laughter followed by loss of bladder control. Yes, of course we are talking about the ubiquitous placebo, ‘We are still friends’.
We are still friends.
If you are telling people that you are just friends now or trying to stop him/her from crying by saying ‘we can still be friends’ you are a bigger idiot than we thought! We don’t mean to be mean but the sentiment is so beautiful but so unrealistic. Becoming friend’s right after a relationship is a fantasy inside of a dream slathered in childhood nonsense.
The demise of a relationship is usually fraught with pain, hurt and a sense of grief and failure that consumes the couple. Trying to bypass your grieving by suggesting a friendship is really like throwing a spoonful of water at an inferno. The current social etiquette dictates that to show how mature you are you must keep your ex’s close to you through friendship. In practice, this is more like a dragon surrounded by carcasses of failed conquests. If you find it relatively easy to become friends with an ex it is because you were not in love with them. Your heart was not broken. You had no expectations for the relationship.
The healthy evolution of a relationship goes something like this: 1. Like 2. Lust 3. Love 4. Commitment. From the beginning of the relationship, we begin to see our lives differently. We begin to see our future as a ‘we’ instead of a ‘me’. That spurs the development of deeper feelings and fairly soon, you are talking about being in love with one another. When we discuss love then we allow the discussion of future plans. We make plans to reassure ourselves that this person will be with us. It is a passive exam of the strength and endurance of a relationship. When we break up, all of these plans are crushed. When we break up, the break up affects you now and tomorrow.
So, the idea of becoming friends with an old lover is really a manner of torture. If done soon after the break up, it is the salt in the wound. It takes several months to get over the initial sadness of the grief. It takes several more months to reschedule your future sans your ex. Keeping them in your friends list will interfere with healthy healing. Interrupting the grief process is tantamount to overstuffing a mattress. You are going to be uncomfortable for a long time, your future relationships will suffer because you are still connected to them and those lumps and bumps will just make you insufferable.
Here is something you can say during a break up if you want to be the bigger person: ‘I wish you a nice life….far away from me.’