2010 February » CoupleDumb

When kids do not get a vote.

Feb 232010

We do not condone smacking your children...much.
          Tuesdays on CoupleDumb are usually devoted to children and the little day-to-day nightmares that those adorable blessings can heap upon us. So, what does starting over with a later in life relationship have to do with your children? Nothing. That’s the point.

          Paul says:   You will notice that there is an underlying theme as we talk about starting over. There is an assumption that the people starting over have the ability to look back on their lives and see what worked and what didn’t. If you have no concept of causality, if you have no clue why you keep waking up on the other side of the room after sticking your finger in a light socket, then calling your process ‘starting over’ is a misnomer. Starting over does not have an Alzheimer quality to it.

          Every person that I know who has ever begun a new relationship, especially later in life and after other failed relationships, have had the same question: how is this going to be different? Of course, in our unhealthy and uninsightful society the caveat to that question is… and how can I have something totally different without changing anything about me.

          What does all of this have to do with children? Simple. Our kids, also known as the symptoms, are the perfect indicators of the health of the family system. Let’s take one of the common ‘starting over’ problems as an example; the kids do not like your new love interest. This is the stuff of sitcoms and after school specials. The kids vehemently hate daddy’s new chippie and do everything that they can to get rid of her, including gluing her to a bus and sending her to Albuquerque. Of course on TV, the woman is a shrew that would make Hera look patient and the dad is a moron. At the end, dad is back together with the kids mom and everybody lives happily ever after.

          Sure, art mirrors reality but we all know that that shit doesn’t happen. And, by the way, if you are getting your life lessons from sitcoms then you need to seriously up your meds. Instead, what we have when the kids dig in and tell the adult with whom they can and cannot be in a relationship is a lack of boundaries. This is not something that happened overnight and it really has nothing to do with the new person in your life. Somewhere along the line, you gave your kids the message, the permission, that they dictate who you bump uglies with. I am using the term bump uglies because it is my favorite euphemism for sex and it makes me giggle every time that I say it but this includes holding hands, kissing, whispering sweet nothings, and walking on the beach.

          Starting a new relationship when you already have children is bound to test boundaries to the limit. The kids do not need to like mommy’s new love but they do need to understand that mommy likes him. And mommy needs to understand that as well. This is your boy toy, not theirs. And daddy is not bringing home a new mommy.

          On the upside, children are resilient and innately loving, all evidence to the contrary aside. When they see a happy healthy parent in love with a happy healthy new friend, they will fall in love also.

            Lee says: So to summarize, don’t take relationship advise from sitcoms, Daddy’s new chippie is none of the kids business, you can’t start over if you have amnesia, you need to change to really start over, boundaries with your kids is important and anything remotely sexual makes Paul giggle.

Starting Over

Monday, Heavy Monday

Feb 222010

It's never to late to start over. Ok, maybe it is.

          A couple of weeks ago, we had the rare opportunity to go to a conference. It was no ordinary conference since Disney was the host. We were treated like royalty from a room at the Polynesian Resort to entertainment to food and, of course, Disney tickets! The gifts were abundant and all of this to simply get us in the loop for all the wonderful events, programs and new adventures they are cooking up for the world. Of course, as we had written about before, the most important was the Give a Day, Get a Disney Day program where volunteers earn a free day at Disney.

          One of the best parts of this trip was talking with writers of all types. One of the first conversations we had was with the author of About.com Orlando beat, Theresa Johnston. The topic of conversation went from on-line dating to parenting to the topic of this week, starting over. We couldn’t believe we hadn’t written about it. No, seriously people, we had to go back in our archives to make sure since we knew we had discussed it umteen million times. So now that we know that we have totally neglected our core readership, here is the CoupleDumb take on starting over.

          Lee says: As a chick in her 40s now, I can see where entering the dating scene at this point in my life would be daunting. By daunting I mean it would be a fucking nightmare with Freddy Krueger and Chuck E. Cheese running after me with a butcher knife and tokens. I do not think I am exaggerating when I say that by the time a human hits there 40s, you have a sense of what you like and don’t like. You are more settled and less malleable. You are flexible only up until the point where it fits into your general idea of who you are.

          However, please do not assume my previous statement means that I believe that people over 40 are stuck. On the contrary! I know that the 40s is a freeing time where we start getting comfortable with the idea that we make the rules and we set the standards. We can look back at our younger years and see the wasted time on drama, poor boundaries and bad love. This is why the 40s is a great time to create a healthy relationship and find your partner.

          Wait a second. Before you dive in and think I’m saying that 40+ers are ideal mate choosers, I will caution you that if you have not reflected on your past mistakes and you continue to hunt in the same backyard for your soul-mate, you will always choose the wrong partner. Love and war are not different in these respects. If you do not learn from your history, you are doomed to repeat it and a life unexamined leads you to the same assholes (of course I am paraphrasing Satayana and Socrates here). There comes a moment in your life where you need to decide that the way you have always done it is wrong and to continue to do the same thing and expect different results is not only the definition of insanity but stupid.

          Then you have those who become reactionary. Those are the ones who need to have the exact opposite of what they had before. If your husband was an alcoholic womanizer, then you go after a teetotaling strict conservative who is so oppressive that you feel suffocated, making you long for the days where your husband would binge drink and come home smelling like whores. Reacting is as bad as shutting down all together. Some people feel that failing at love is tantamount to failing at life. They choose to take their ball and go home, never to love again.

          Love is very possible the second or third or fourth time around, but you need to do some work before diving into the dating pool again. Think of it as stretching before exercising or taking a refreshing, tearful and insightful walk down memory lane before you let someone into your space bubble. Heart ache is not pretty but the upside of risking is the possibility of finding someone who worships you for the god or goddess you are. I like to think that’s worth the trouble.

          Paul says: So, what I got from this post was that, if you are older than 39, you need to stretch before dating and do not hunt for your soul mate in your backyard. I assume that free-range soul mates are OK.

A Mohawk for Mom.

Reader's Questions

Feb 192010

What?

          Another Friday! Another beginning to a busy weekend. This Sunday is very special for CoupleDumb because it is Lee’s sisters birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIDI! O.K., she’ll stop reading now and we can move on to our topic of the week which is adolescents. You know those darlings from ages 13-19 who are so fun and exciting. Now, if you’re a parent to one of those darlings then you know damn well that teenagers are some sort of scourge on the planet. What? Too much?

          Lee says: Let’s face it, we have all been teenagers. Unless of course you are reading this and you are 12 years of age or younger and to you I say ‘Stop reading this because we say fuck and stuff your parents should be teaching you and not some total strangers’. I became a teenager right before the 80s. So imagine me, cute, preppy with shoulder pads. Yeah, that was me briefly in the 80s.

          Then came me at 17 where I shaved my head and popped a bunch a holes in my ear while watching the last season of ‘Happy Days’. Hey, if you had seen the last season of ‘Happy Days’ you would have popped holes in your ears too. I went to Goodwill and bought a whole new used wardrobe and finally allowed myself to express my rebellion. After 12 years of oppressive Catholic education, I was gonna be me! Sure, I went to a Catholic University but trust me when I say, no one noticed me there. Plus, since most of my pals at school were Jewish, it obviously wasn’t as oppressive as grade school and high school.

          What was my mother and father’s reaction to this transformation? How do you say freaked the fuck out minus the obscenities? Yeah, my Mom and Dad decided I had lost my mind and every time they saw me, they would emit a tssk noise or roll their eyes. That’s when they were being passive-aggressive but their normal modus operandi is aggressive-aggressive so I was subjected to screaming, lectures and look what you’re doing to me’s. Did this affect me? Sure it did! I just insisted on being me even more.

          I remember the thought processes. ‘Mommy hates this jacket that I wear. I think I’ll buy another one just like it.’ I was more independent now. I was still living at home and going to Loyola Marymount which was 16 miles away (but almost an hour with L.A. traffic). I was there all day. I had a job on campus. I had my own money. I was spreading my wings only to come home to hear my parents give me shit and try to clip my new feathers.

          As the Mom now, I am very aware of this and watch my 17 year old. I have not done a 180 and become a permissive parent. However, with things like hair, earrings and clothing, I support whatever she wants to do (mind you she chooses things that will not compromise her like leaving a booby out so I have no problem). I encourage her to express herself and have, on more than one occasion, helped her dye her hair.

          I realize that she is not me and I am not her. Her image is her own and the world’s reaction to her does not reflect on me. I realize my parents reacted to my transformation as a personal affront to their form of parenting (old fashioned fascism). They assumed my change was a complete rebellion to everything they had taught me and not just a normal process of differentiating myself from them. Differentiation is the most important thing a teen does and is necessary for a healthy adulthood. This is where they say ‘I am not my parents’ and they may follow that up with moving away or becoming the antithesis of who you, as the parent, thought they were.

          Our kid is different and we are fine with it. She wants to go far away when she graduates from High School and that’s fine too. We live by a certain philosophy: If you love someone set them free. If they leave, cut off their money and don’t send them gifts.

          Paul says: The ironic part of differentiation is that, as they make the statement that they are different then their parent, they simultaneously become their parents. My children will ultimately become (at least in part) me. Ok. Now I’m scared. I have to go get my shit together.