2010 February » CoupleDumb

Jack Rabbit

Feb 262010

"You call that a Jack Rabbit?"

We are so excited! Why, you ask? Because we have created a relationship with a great company. You know we take our relationships seriously and the first thing we do is to acknowledge that we are going steady with Eden Fantasys! It was sudden but we can admit that we were more than willing to get into bed with them (pun completely intended). We invite you all to take a look at their website and check out their selection. Every taste, proclivity, urge and curiosity is sated by this incredible site.

In honor of this relationship, we will jump in and review one of their products. We must say that it took us 2 ½ days to choose a device since it had been 7 years since we used any battery operated pal in the bedroom. Today we dedicate to the Jack Rabbit! (Please note: All Eden Fantasys’ reviews are done with both authors participating. Toys are best when we share them with our partners!)

Lee says: I am easy. When it comes to being orgasmic, Paul has really won the lottery with me. It takes little effort to get me ready and less to get me to the goal. Like I said, I’m easy. I’m also open to new experiences. Not unhealthy and relationship-messing-up type of experiences but, adventure in the bedroom between me and my loving partner and husband, hell yeah! So when given the opportunity to choose something from Eden Fantasys wide array of toys, I had to go with something that I had never tried and yet heard plenty about, the Jack Rabbit.

Let me take a second here and say I had issue with the name. If anything is going to stimulate my love nub which houses a gajillion nerve endings, I would prefer that we stay away from images of angry woodland creatures or jack hammers. I call our new friend the Blue Bunny. Nicer name that doesn’t scare my naughty bits.

So first off, the Jack Rabbit aka Blue Bunny is a marvel to engineering. My first thoughts were not sexual but wondering how many NASA scientists had come up with this thing? Seriously, the Jack Rabbit has three separate speeds of vibration on Mr. Bunny and the dildo aside from choosing whether you wanted the phallus to turn to the left or right. The white coats who invented knew that girls can be finicky bitches when it comes to orgasms.

My experience was interesting. I think I approached this like a researcher which I did in a previous life. Sure, as a researcher I usually wore clothes and had a clipboard which were also missing from the picture. I spent a second just pushing the buttons and marveling at the machinery. Then Paul said that was enough stalling and we got down to business.

As far as clitoral stimulation is concerned, the Jack Rabbit has enough varying power to get the job done. I liked that the Blue Bunny’s ears were soft and they separate to form a little ‘jumper cable’ action on my hermonica. I do find that too much stimulation dampens my orgasm though. The vibration is too much for me. Like I said, I am easy.

As for Mr. Blue Bunny’s Penis, all I can say is ‘hmmmm’. The jury is still out on that one. I can’t tell yet whether I am a lefty or righty when it comes to having a shaft rotate in my vagina. Honestly the question has never come up and I hate rushing to judgment too quickly. I am a purist when it comes down to it. I am blessed to have the real thing (albeit Paul is not blue). I find the fake shafts a little impersonal and cold (literally). However, I will continue my research as to whether twirling to the left or right makes a difference for me. I know, I am a slave to science.

Paul says: It’s important that you understand our relationship with Eden Fantasys. We sought them out. I think that our readers have an idea of how Lee and I think about sex. We have had strip clubs, swinger sites, and less reputable toy retailers approach us for advertising and we have graciously declined. They did not fit into the paradigm of a healthy and playful sex life. Eden Fantasys does. So when they gave us a gift certificate, we went shopping. This is not a paid review. We did not get any compensation, unless you consider hours of fun a compensation.

That being said, the first thing that I did with the Jack Rabbit was to measure myself against it. I win. All is good. Ego stayed intact.

Hard Drive Heart Break

Relationship Rejects

Feb 252010

This is an actual picture of Lee at the time of the demise.

          Thursday is here and we breathe a sigh of relief. We made it! This business of starting over is tough work and we have struggled with it all week. Maybe struggled is too harsh a word. Let’s just say we worked hard to come up with a fresh perspective on a tough subject. Whatever we say, there will be some readers who sit there with a metaphorical middle digit pointed at the screen the whole time and muttering ‘what the fuck do you know’. We are aware that we cannot appreciate the concept viscerally but we can empathize with those faced with starting over. No, seriously, we do get it.

          Lee says: In January, my computer crashed. She was getting on in age and I have to admit that I worked her to the bone. Sometimes I knew I wasn’t taking care of her, as I should. She stood by me through hundreds of hours of research, dozens of grants and reports, 2 and a ½ novels, one year worth of blog posts and countless drivel writing and social media updating. And I just kept working her. She crashed and I forced her to recover too quickly. Last week, she finally gave up and, from one moment to the next, she was gone. Fried. Dead.

          So now, I must begin again. However, before I jump into a new, long term relationship, I must take responsibility for my part in her death. My first realization was that I never named her. Yes, I broke our first relationship rule, ‘acknowledge your relationship’. Not only did I not appreciate her, I never bothered to name her! I name all my other partners. Right now, I am typing on Baby, our little 8” laptop that we take everywhere. I love Baby and sing her praises everywhere. Did I do that with my real computer? The one I did everything with and only considered things complete when she was involved? No.

          I also take responsibility for talking badly about her everywhere I would go. One ‘Don’t’ rule I broke regarding relationships. Instead of praising her for her tireless support, I talked smack about how slow she was and how she made my life impossible. My own impatience was more important than how she must have felt about my constant berating. Oh yeah, I admit to nagging her constantly. Tapping my foot while she tried to boot up or she took so long to catch up to my rapid fire style. I would boast of how I was too fast for her and she was old. I was so mean to her!

          I will also admit that my boundaries were less than perfect with her. O.K., I was horrible with her. Aside from a barrage of obscenities she had to endure, occasionally I had her look at certain web sites that would make a whore blush. Occasionally I would force her to multi-task so much she would freeze up under the pressure. Instead of caring for her and showing her compassion, I would yell at her and instead of taking the soft approach, I would hard boot the bitch and tell her to get back to work. I was mean and abusive.

          As I begin the search for a new companion, I must admit all these things and take responsibility for the demise of that relationship. The mistakes I made, if I continue on this path, will only create more frustration and heartache. I choose now to commit myself to a healthy relationship with my new partner. I will acknowledge them and tell the world of our love and respect for one another. I will give her a proper name. No, I will never use harsh words against her. I will not get into the habit of using a boot to get my way. I will be understanding and kind. I will encourage down time, provide her with healthy sustenance, and vaccinate her with appropriate viral protection. I will see us as equals and acknowledge my accomplishments as ours.

          So you see, I know exactly what you are going through. No one’s pain is worse than another. This is not a game of Bridge where everyone needs to trump the other. My pain is just as real as yours, if not more important since it is mine. I may not be emotionally ready for a new computer but at least I know what I need to work on. I am a work in progress and my work needs a computer. I promise to admit when I am over my head and time myself out when I am about to lose it. My best is all I can do.

          Paul says: In lieu of flowers, please send jump-drives to ‘Lee’s Dead Computer’ care of CoupleDumb.

Celebrity Smackdown: Starting Over ft. Brad Pitt

Celebrity Smackdown

Feb 242010

Nobody talks smack about Brad. (Except CoupleDumb)

Celebrities and relationships are a curious match. On the one hand, you have the perpetual playboys who would rather gnaw off their arm than commit to a relationship. On the other hand, you have those who have time-shares in Vegas Chapels and commit like its last call. Celebrity relationships are such a warped representation of coupling and when those pairs implode, which they overwhelmingly do, we are left to watch them prowl as they pick up the pieces and start over. Today’s Celebrity Smackdown is all about Celebs starting over but, stand back, this will get messy.

Lee says: I understand that relationships can be difficult and nearly impossible when you are living under the scrutiny of the limelight. I understand it on a cognitive level. I can also empathize with the pressure celebrities must feel having their privacy violated on a consistent basis by fans or paparazzi or law enforcement. But, let me get one thing perfectly clear, just because you live under the microscope of the media does not mean you have to behave like an infection. I mean, jeesh, is it that lonely out there that celebs have to be hooking up and breaking up every few minutes?

Celebs fall into two categories when it comes to starting over. The first category is the ‘If at first you don’t succeed’ crowd. You can identify these easily by the amount of wedding rings they own and how many last names they have. These are the folks who get married at the first sign of stomach flutter. Instead of ‘I like you’ they jump into ‘I do!’ Starting over for them is picking out new china patterns while registering again at Macy’s. The average celeb usually is married a few times before death. Of course, honorable mention is given to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Elizabeth Taylor, both knock outs when they were younger, who have 17 marriages with 15 men between them. They are not alone in the philosophy of mending a broken heart with wedding cake and a honeymoon.

The second category of celeb is the ‘breaks are for suckers’ group. You know the kind of celeb who is photographed walking on a beach one day with their spouse and the next he is seen in a photo spread playing house with another woman. These guys have issues Brad Pitt. These guys don’t even let the sheets get cold next to them. These men have such an issue with being alone that they will fill their lives and surround themselves with people or children. Sound familiar? Look, I have no issues with love and I know it is a magical thing. But, it just doesn’t happen if you aren’t open to it! You can’t inadvertently ‘fall in love’ with someone if you aren’t inviting that person over for some vulnerability and intimacy. So don’t pull that crap of ‘The heart wants what it wants’ with me, Brad! The heart understands commitment but a roving eye understands the new conquest.

Have you wondered why you feel that starting over is so difficult? It’s the media! Think about it. What are the images you have of starting over? Is it Carol and Mike Brady uniting their perfectly matched families and creating a whacky bunch of love and togetherness? Or is it Dick Van Patton and his mormonesque brood of eight getting remarried. Let’s face it, according to TV, starting over involves way too many kids! I would consider a life of a celibate ascetic who is forced to rip out my own hair before I had to unite my three kids with some guys three kids and then try to be a romantic couple while these said children ran around boundary-less in the neighborhood. Come on Brady’s, you never noticed that the kids were making fringed outfits for a talent show? I just can’t be that mom or wife.

All I ask is for a little discretion. All I ask is for celebrities to see that they are seen as role models (I have no idea why, people, they just are). The 40 something year old person is coming back into the dating world and you guys are making it look like a buffet. It’s not. It’s slim pickings out their if you are looking for a healthy guy or girl. It’s not like the celebrities are doing anything like therapy between marriages or hook-ups, unless we count rehab. A makeover is not what is needed between relationships. Changing your hair color will not fix your unhealthy behaviors or thought patterns that stem from your childhood issues.

Life does not work with a story arc all the time. You don’t meet Mr. Perfect in the first act, fall in love in the second, lose him in the third and find Mr. More Perfect in the final act. There is so much more to it. Where is the act where you get your shit together or spend some time alone, Brad? When do you check your very Brady life and decide that being cool and having hideous facial hair is not enough and a little psychotherapy is in order. If not for your fear of being alone, how about you see a therapist to discuss the ode to ZZ Top thing you have on your chin. I’m not picking on you; I just think more Joe Black and less Tyler Durden. Yes, Tyler was sexy and ripped but Joe had that innocence and was committed. Either way, no facial hair! I guess this is the message of this post, Brad. Trim it or Shave it. Oh yeah, and something about starting over.