2010 January » CoupleDumb

Celebrity Smackdown : The Nuts

Jan 272010

So Howie, Who are you wearing today?

          Usually by Wednesday, we start getting a little antsy. We feel that we will not have a rapid end to the week unless we smack down a celebrity. With the topic of the week being ‘Everyday Crazy’, Hollywood and Celebrityland is full of weirdoes, oddballs and goofballs that stretch the definition. In fact, there are so many celebrities that could be mentioned here that we have decided to concentrate on those who probably are medicated and/or should be medicated for their cuckooness. Now put on your gloves and avoid any body fluids as we enter the land of Celebrity Nuts.

          Lee says: There are many stars and celebs that are outed as crazy. Many stars have jumped the neurotic/psychotic line and found a nice bungalow in loonyville. Actors such as Margot Kidder and Anne Heche have shown us that clothing in the Hollywood Hills is optional, especially if you are being followed or aliens are out to get you. Apparently, the nudity throws off the tracking device that is implanted in their brains. These actors, after a very public freak out, got on their meds and have had a pretty good career.

          Then you have people like Howie Mandel who is a self-admitted and medicated mysophobe (fear of germs). He is known to avoid the handshake and opt for the very macho fist bump and often makes fun of his condition. You see, this is the kind of crazy I like. Unlike most ego dragging celebs, Howie realizes his responsibility to the world and talks about a fairly common phobia. However a phobia, by mere definition is still considered a neurosis because it is an irrational fear. Sure, some mysophobes become so fucked up that they actually close themselves off from the world, tape the door jams and take to drinking there own filtered urine to avoid fluoridated water. Think Howard Hughes. Howie’s life is the happy conclusion to dealing with an everyday crazy with a proactive approach instead of hiding it until it controls your life.

          Then you have scary stories like Lindsay Lohan. Now, the funny thing is that a year ago when we started our blog, she was the first person I spoke of and I am still harping on this. I am frankly surprised she is still alive. On the one hand, you have Britney Spear. Her conservatorship has forcefully straightened out her life through getting her well medicated and with the appropriate medical help to get her mental illness under control. Britney was not everyday crazy. Britney was bug fuck crazy. Britney was making bad choices. Shaving her head. Bad associates. Barefoot in gas station bathrooms. Nightly runs to the local gas stations for smokes and Cheetos before a Frappachino at Starbucks. All these showed the restlessness of mental illness.

          Lindsay is there as well. In her case, she has no parents that will take over her life because they are too busy using her fucked up life to make themselves famous. Lindsay (if you haven’t seen any pictures of her lately you should look her up) is looking a little used. She hasn’t worked in forever because she probably can’t hold a job and is constantly moving, not unlike the Brittney restlessness. She has emotional outbursts and is constantly seen in leggings. I am sure I can make a case on why leggings are a symptom of psychosis.

          I honestly see her spiraling into oblivion. She has the mannerisms of an addict and the physicality of a crazy person. She walks with no grace and whether it was the over use of a substance that has removed the myelin sheathing of her neurons which has her walking not unlike a toothless crackhead or she is walking with the singular purpose that the mentally ill have. Sweetie, get on some meds, get in a program and straighten yourself out. You are over 21 so tell your parents to fuck off and live your life. Maybe Brittney’s Dad isn’t too busy and can take over your life too.

There is a Tiger Under My Bed.

Kids and why you can't kill them

Jan 262010

If this was under my son's bed, we'd move.
          It is Tuesday of Everyday Crazy week here at CoupleDumb and, apparently, there is a tiger under our sons’ bed. Is it bad that we didn’t try to disagree with this idea? After all, the tiger kept the little bastard in bed.

          Paul says: When our three-year-old son came out of his bedroom an hour after bedtime with a story of the tiger that was lurking under his bed, my first reaction was ‘don’t be ridiculous. That’s where the monsters sleep’. Like a good dad, I brought my son back into his room, flipped on the lights, and began to search under the bed for the tiger. As I bent down to demonstrate the safety of the area, every horror movie ever made came flashing through my mind. I found my heart racing a little, not because of a tiger (there simply was not enough room under the bed for a whole tiger) but because of the very real possibility of demon clowns ala Poltergeist.

          I do not know that being rational in the face of fear helps. When it comes to our everyday crazy, those little fears, not the big life stopping phobias, can become something that we can’t seem to shake. Sometimes we do not want to blow off the fear since it can be fun. I site Steven King and rollercoasters as example. My dilemma always comes from trying to explain this to the kids. Finally, I realized that I can’t. Enjoying fear only comes when we have control. Before you hop onto a rollercoaster, even without an engineering degree, every person does a little mental stress analysis on the construction material and assesses the built-in redundancies.

          Unfortunately, kids do not have that available. Both of my boys are still in that ‘magical thinking’ developmental stage. Where I knew that there was no tiger under the bed, mainly because the clearance between floor and bed is about 7 inches, my three year old was not so convinced since magic tigers can fit anywhere. And, truth be told, I did not know that there was no tiger. What I knew was that compressed tiger held no danger for me.

          If my son was going to be the cutest little dipshit in the universe then he was going to be an unafraid cute little dipshit. He wanted magical thinking. Well, nobody does irrational, magical fantasy like I do. If he was afraid of compressible tigers then I was going to give him the resources to battle the most badass flattened feline that ever did crawl under a bed. First we did a room sweep; under the bed, in the closet, behind the door. Then I got my son’s stuffed tiger from the zoo. This was his very own transformational bodyguard. Who better to beat down some punk-ass rough tiger then another meaner tiger? For good measure, he also went to sleep with a Nerf pistol in one hand and a Nerf rifle in the other. I am happy to say that that piece of shit tiger did not have the balls to show up again.

          Lee says: As a Mother, there are some things I wish I never knew. One of those things is seeing how my husband parents. I swear sometimes it’s cringe-worthy. No, Mommies would never do that to their babies. No, Mommies would never write a post and refer to her little angel and God’s little miracle as a ‘bastard’ and ‘dipshit’. No, a Mommy would never arm a child with Nerf weapons to kill an imaginary tiger that is under the bed.

          Moms do things like believe the whole Harry Potter hype that his mother saved him with her love. We like to swaddle our children in our love and have them find safety in our arms. We fight monsters with our Mommy glares and declare their bedrooms safe from ninja demons because of our awesome Mommy powers. Ultimately I think, WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!

          Personally I’ll take weapons any day to fight the squished pussy under his bed. Maybe even a bowie knife. Mom’s are badass people and Lily Potter might have protected Harry with her love but if she would have had a chance she would have shoved her foot up Voldemort’s ass. So, to sum up, love is great but weapons and cool martial arts are better.

Life's Everyday Crazy

Monday, Heavy Monday

Jan 252010

Never make eye contact with Corky.

          When Monday arrives with a vengeance, we like to brace ourselves with coffee and sarcasm. Truth be told, we are a quirky pair with loads of odd habits and beliefs. Happy omens and bad luck totems are just a couple of things that help us grade our days. This week, we have decided to dedicate to what we call ‘Everyday crazy’. We are not referring to certifiable loonyness but the stuff we do to make life a little easier. We would like to note that we don’t necessarily condone the everyday crazy. We are just willing to overlook yours if you overlook ours.

          Lee says: A few years back we were in a group retreat. We created some great relationships with fellow participants. There was one in particular who became a great friend to both me and Paul. Like most of us, she had some eccentricities and issues that were a little bizarre. One day, she decided to confide in me some of her wacky habits. She asked me if she was a psycho. This is when I came up with my jewel: ‘Neurotic, not psychotic’. So what’s the difference?

          Neurosis, which is a term we no longer use in the Psychology field, encompasses behaviors and beliefs that involve anxiety, depression, insecurities and irrational fears. They do not include delusions or psychoses of any kind (losing touch with reality). So why make the distinction? What’s the big deal? They both seem fucked up so why separate them?

          Well, my perfectly mentally stable friend, the difference is important because it separates crazy from everyday crazy. Such as, do you consider someone who is superstitious crazy? No. We usually see superstitious people walk around ladders or avoid Friday the 13^th but we don’t see them attacking mailboxes because the leprechauns told them to. The difference is as subtle as a baseball bat.

          My everyday crazies are things like making sure the closet door is closed while I’m asleep so the ghosts don’t come out. Yes, I realize that that is completely irrational and that closet doors do not contain an anti ectoplasmic defense system. That is reserved for my blankets. I also have a thing about showering (I have mentioned this before). I like being clean. I don’t wash my hands raw everyday but I do wash them regularly and shower a minimum of twice a day. This habit is linked to a belief that stinky people are bad. Don’t look for understanding in these people. They are completely irrational.

          Paul and I have this thing that the night before any big event like a book signing or a meeting, we have to have sex. We believe that this brings us luck. Sure, there could be worse things we do but this one is just as crazy as my ghost repelling closet door. What separates this sex from just your average two horny married people tempting back strain is our belief that the energy we emit can change our fate. Irrational yet fun!

          These little habits and beliefs are perfect fodder for therapy. These things are based on some patterns and issues that occurred in our childhood and were probably passed down by our parents. They aren’t bad for us unless they take over our lives. Turning door knobs to avoid cataclysms and not going outside because the air is infected by Glenn Beckians are not sane behaviors. Except for the air infection one and for that I wear a mask.

          Paul says: I’m an omen kinda guy. If the music on the radio gives me three really good songs in a row then it will be a good day. The song ‘I can see clearly now’ spontaneously coming up on the ‘70’s station is a direct message from God that can be summed up by picturing the big man smiling, winking and giving me a thumbs up. If the universe tells you three times not to do something then change your plans. I’m not talking little things getting in the way like your son puked on your shoes. I’m talking big stuff like a flat tire, a presidential caravan or a meteor strike that prevents you from going to the store. If these things happen then you damn well can be certain that that store is going to blow up or, at a minimum, your coupons will be expired.