2009 November » CoupleDumb

It's the thought that counts but I want presents.

Nov 302009

Little Suzie wants a dolly but what does Santa want?

          MONDAY! O.K., we need to go through our check list. Back to school? Check. Jewish holidays? Check. Columbus Day? Check. Halloween? Check. Veterans Day? Check. Thanksgiving? Check. So that’s it? Yep. We made it? Yes we did! Can we say it now? Go ahead! Oh my God, Christmas is coming!!! (cough, cough) Sorry about that. We wait all year for this time and we tend to get a little excited. We have mentioned that we are the crazy Christmas freaks who get their shopping done before Columbus Day and measure the season by the amount of lights our ginormous tree has. The gifts, which we adore, are really secondary. Besides, isn’t it the thought that counts?

          Lee says: I love this time of year. As a child, I remember seeing everything with a shimmer and there was a constant strum of excitement running through everything around this time of year. Even today I swear that the lights shine a little brighter and the voices in my head hum a Christmas Carol. Most of my job is done by November since I am the Gift Captain which also includes the rank of Wrapping Admiral. By the time the tree is trimmed, I am ready to place most, if not all, of the gifts under the tree. Then I can concentrate on the important things like telling Paul to stop putting more lights outside. Like telling Paul that our house looks like Santa and his Elves had an orgy on the front lawn. Like telling Paul that he can’t touch the presents or Santa will take them away.

          When it comes to gift giving, we have never been extravagant. I know of people who spend hundreds of dollars for gifts for their children and significant others that, at the end of the day, end in a pile only to be put away or used occasionally. Does the extravagance add the specialness or thoughtfulness of the gift? I don’t think so. For me, I love it when Paul get’s me something functional yet slightly off to the left of ordinary. I like when he thinks of ways to making my life easier.

          When I choose gifts for him, I think of the same things. I think of things that would bring him happiness. I tend to get him books (which is always appropriate in our relationship). I get him some fun books then I get him the kind of book that makes you scratch your head to remind him that he is brilliant and knowing useless facts about the freezing point of an average house fly is fun but not mind expanding. I like choosing one gift that is just completely something he would never expect. Last year it was a magnetic bracelet thing that pro golfers wear for body aches because he has a bad back. He swore for days that his arm was hot and he felt that it was working. Almost a year later, he still wears it but I am not sure whether it’s because he thinks it’s cool and I gave it to him or because it works.

          Regardless, I am choosing his gifts carefully this year. We have had an amazing ride this year with the release of our book (Dysaffirmations: Because this kind of stupid takes work) and the growth of our website and brand (MomTV, Goddard Radio). We are blessed. Perhaps this year I’ll spring for a fur sink or gas powered turtle neck sweater. Nah. Books and toys sound better.

          Paul says: I like toys. I am the first to acknowledge that my inner child’s age topped out at 7 ½. I also like books because I read. I like clothes even if I try to live a life where I never need to wear them. Let’s face it, I like the idea that someone would think enough about me to buy me a gift. So I shake the presents, kind of fondle them a little, brush my hand lightly over the wrapping as I try to discern their essence. This is the spirit of Christmas for me. It really is the thought that counts.

          (If you want to send a present to me and, thus, have your thought count, please email me at paul@coupledumb.com and I will send you the address for a secure and grateful PO Box.)

What we are thankful for

Relationship Rejects

Nov 262009

Next, the cat gives the dog a tuberculosis covered dog bone and the rest is history.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! If you are outside of the United States, today we celebrate Thanksgiving Day. The one day of the year where we try to put aside our typical self entitled attitude and attempt to thank the peons who make it all possible for us all year long. To celebrate, we murder a fowl, stuff it with whatever tickles our fancy from pork to fungus to stale bread, make many dishes with tubers from the starchy to the sweet and end it all with a veggie pie. The King and Queen of CoupleDumb have decided to take this opportunity to share what they are grateful for this Thanksgiving. So grab another slice of pumpkin pie and fight the urge to sleep as we unveil the CoupleDumb Thanks (fill-in-the-blank) List:

Lee: I would like to thank Jeannie for growing up before my eyes. When we started this humble blog on January 19^th of this year, Jeannie was a little girl and now she is a smart ass young lady! I feel we have grown closer and yet I am stung by the realization that I only have another year and a half before you are off to college. Thank you baby for making a better Mommy whether you believe that or not.

Paul: Apparently, I’m thankful for my boys even though they are pains in the ass.

Lee: I am thankful for my boys who remind me everyday that girls are far superior and boys are icky.

Paul: I am thankful for the opportunities that we have had and will continue to receive.

Lee and Paul: We are thankful for Alex our nephew who keeps our masthead fresh and our P.R. fresher.

Lee and Paul: We are thankful for Monica who is the prettier half of our P.R. team. Your support and encouragement is always couched in equal parts flattery and harshness. Just right.

Lee: I’d like to thank my Mom. Even though she really has no idea what we are doing, she is cute about it.

Lee: I’d like to thank my father who instilled in me a love of reading that I have carried forth into my adult life and passed to my kids.

Paul: I am thankful for my parents, especially my Mom who is surprisingly optimistic about my career as a writer.

Lee: I’d like to thank my sister Aidi and Georgie, my little brother, for being the best siblings a hugely talented woman can ever hope for.

Lee: I’d like to thank Mari from J-Bug Jewelry for keeping me cute and blinged out. Oh and for her undying support and color commentary during our special events.

Lee and Paul: We want to thank Bob and his rambling comments that sometime reveal more about him than we really wanted to know.

Lee: I am thankful for my fellow bloggers and writers out there (Mary Mac, Melanie, Alejandra, Anne) who have been supportive.

Lee: I am thankful for technology for making this all possible. Sure, in a few years when we are all wearing explosive collars and electrified nipple clamps we may regret it, but right now, it’s great!

Lee and Paul: Thank you to our readers and supporters. (Please forgive us if we forget someone)- Mari, Susan, Patricia, David, Leah, Mike, Miriam, Jennifer, Aidi, Devi…You make all of this possible and we thank you.

Lee: Mostly, I thank my husband, editor, lover, best friend and partner who makes my coffee every morning with extra love. You make being overwhelmed a pleasant experience and I love being on this ride with you.

Paul: I am thankful to my love who makes it easy to be married, to my boss and underling since she is the CEO of this operation and my executive assistant, to my partner in crime (people, you don’t know the half of it) and to my best friend.

Celebrity Smackdown : Ungrateful Paps

Celebrity Smackdown

Nov 252009

Wait! Who took this picture?

          Pardon us as we remove our faux fur coats and 6 inch Manolo Blahniks to get comfy in our primary colored cardigan and laceless sneakers. It’s Wednesday and time for another Celebrity Smackdown! But this week we’re talking about being grateful and everyone knows that the glitterati is so thankful for all that they have (please read with all the intended snark). But smacking the celebs for not signing an autograph or avoiding the mobs is really not fair. It’s too easy. Besides, don’t we get enough of them already? Come on, we have pictures of them on their balconies in different states of nudity or sexual positions. We have pictures of them going to clubs, inside the clubs drinking and dancing and leaving the clubs intoxicated or hooking up with their next regret. The real ungrateful bastards in this equation are the paparazzi who rape the celebs with their lenses and then sell the spoils for profits we cannot even begin to fathom.

          Lee says: Did you know a really good photo can make a paparazzo hundreds of thousands of dollars? Did you know that even a crappy photo can get them enough to pay their rent for a month? These individuals hang out, peep, creep, run and leap, just waiting for the shot.

          You are probably saying to yourself, ‘Hey, I’d like to make thousands of dollars for taking a picture of an actress who forgets she’s wearing a short skirt and gets out of a car while flashing her vadge. What are the qualifications for being a paparazzi?:

          1. Ability to hold a camera, aim and shoot.

          2. Patience- sometimes it takes a celeb hours to eat a Cobb Salad at the Ivy.

          3. Have an abnormally large bladder or have yogi control of your bodily functions.

          4. Be impervious to conscience pangs.

          5. Have an almost sociopathic sense of empathy.

          6. Taste that runs to the perverse and scurrilous.

          If you fit each of these qualifications, you can be a paparazzi. One last thing though. Can you, with a straight face, taunt a celebrity until they take a swing at you? Celebrities like Brad Garret, Mel Gibson, Justin Timberlake, Tommy Lee, Alec Baldwin, Chris Martin, Robert DeNiro, Will Smith, Woody Harrelson, Jude Law and the list goes on an on are celebs who have lost it on a paparazzo. Hell, there is a whole gaggle of one legged photographers thanks to Britney Spears. It’s simple. Ask them the most insipid and annoying question. Ask De Niro if it’s true that he likes fucking Joe Pesci while he wears that pompadour wig from ‘My Cousin Vinny’? Or ask Justin Timberlake if Jessica Biel has bigger testicles than he does. Make it your own and have fun with it.

          Then you have those that do not feel that the normal pics are enough and try some offensive driving. Nicole Richie just scored a restraining order against a group of paps who decided to rear end her car because they missed their original shot. They figured they could make up for a lost shot by manufacturing a better one. Let us not forget Lady Diana.

          The sad thing to all of this is that even though they make their living like the remora of the celeb world, waiting for any tidbit to be missed for their amusement and nourishment, they never show an ounce of gratitude for the subject of their ‘art’. These are the biggest ingrates the world knows and what do we do? We buy the friggen mags that support these bastards. There’s a picture of Lindsay Lohan snorting coke off of a hookers ass. There’s another picture of a celeb sun bathing on their private lanais taken from a helicopter with a telescopic lens used on the Hubble.

          Maybe Mr. Paparazzo if you showed a bit of gratitude to your subjects. Maybe if you treated them like human beings. Maybe if you said, ’Thank you for giving me a job. I am a talentless hack and yet I can still make hundreds of thousands a year because of people like you,’ they can take a second and give you a good shot without having to resort to crashing heir cars or calling their Moms whores. Be grateful. Say thank you then take the picture.