2009 September » CoupleDumb

WTF of the Week: Big Fat Baby

Sep 262009

The baby next to him is his dinner.

          We are parents. We have three kids. Pregnancy and delivery of the kids was different for each. There were certain similarities such as the craving for Mexican food, the spontaneous narcolepsy at 4 in the afternoon and the need to nest. What never happened was that any of our kids grew to such ginormous proportion that they needed to be removed with a crane.

          A woman in Indonesia gave birth to a 19.2 lb baby via c-section. Now, we can begin to say WTF right here. The fact that the behemoth baby was born by cesarean section should be obvious unless they are use to having babies rip their way out of a woman’s hoohoo. This goes beyond the image of passing a watermelon because those fruits don’t come in that size. It is more like passing a small elephant or microwave through your kitty kat. We wonder how long they made her wait for the c-section. Did they know the woman had a mini cooper hiding in her womb? Another question we have is how the hell did this ginormous infant not crush his mother’s innards. Seriously?! If you have been pregnant, you know it reaches a point where you don’t lay in certain positions because it is very uncomfortable. We can only imagine that she was still ambulatory with the use of hydraulics, wheels and those skid pads you place under armoires and pianos.

          And finally, the mother, WTF was she eating? Seriously, our readers need to know this and add it to the list of things not to eat during pregnancy. We know tuna has mercury and brie has listeria but was she eating armadillo or whatever the fuck they eat in Indonesia? Is there another food that must not be touched during those pregnancy months? Ox Lumpia or Avocado Shakes with chocolate sauce (look it up on Wikipedia- they have the picture of the shake)? We think we should investigate this thoroughly. We are pretty sure no woman out there wants to enter the record books as having the biggest uterus or the stretchiest vagina in the world. Let’s face it, that’s a title that comes with an image we can all do without.

          As for Gigantor Baby, Pilates and low carb diet – STAT! Weight issues are a bitch little man and it’s never too early to work out. Don’t give us that whiny baby crying. ’I can’t walk’. ’I can’t even sit up’. No wonder, you fat little fuck, get your lard ass moving. (No actual babies were harmed or spoken to in this manner. It was purely done for the amusement of the writers.)

Food and Therapy

Reader's Questions

Sep 252009

That was Paul's hot fudge ice cream cake these little bastards were eating!

         It’s Friday and we are so excited to report that we actually received some questions! We are also happy to report we received our first snarky comment. We love comments so please write whatever you feel. Our ego is strong enough to handle a little criticism. Please note that we said ‘little’.

         The first question comes from California: ‘How do I get my child to stop thinking about food? I plan on taking him to get examined to make sure that there are no hormonal concerns. The thing is whenever he’s bored, there is a commercial or he has any free time (which is often) he thinks of food. I don’t supply the food and I have been encouraging him to think about something else. He say’s sometimes, “oh, yeah, I remember, think about something else, like trains, school…” Thank you for your response!’

          Lee says: I’m glad you are taking him to be checked by a medical professional. Most parents forget that much of what is needed to diagnose a child is a process of elimination. Jumping to diagnosing a kid with a mental condition should be the last option. That being said, bored eating is becoming a way of life for our kids. The advent of 24/7 kids TV programming coupled with video games have our kids living such sedentary lives that food has become a mindless habit. In my opinion, they aren’t really thinking of food all the time. I think some of what they do is not mindful at all. What I am doing with my kids is giving them verbal cues such as ‘check inside and tell me if you feel hungry’ or ‘if you are very hungry, you can have this healthy snack’. This conversation makes the eating mindful and you also run the possibility of having the kids eat something good for them.

          But, as the mother of 2 boys, I find that they normally eat like piranha. I have never see children eat like this. Paul assures me that he did. They eat some days and others they seem uninterested. They go through cycles of voracious eating and then selective and finicky nibbling. Good luck with your son and let me know how it goes.

          This last weekend, we were in a retreat doing our therapy work and we gained many insights that will probably show up in future posts. This question came to us on Facebook (check out our CoupleDumb fan page!).

‘ in a happy truly happy marriage, with a loving family and tons of support, why do you need therapy? Is it just for maintenance?’

          Lee says: My reaction to the question was ‘Isn’t this an obvious one?’ And then I realize that most people think you need to be majorly ‘fucked up’ to go to therapy. I continue my healing and personal growth so that I can maintain my healthy marriage and foster my supportive family. Consider it an oil change! But it is also a question of discovering why I do the things I do. The self destructive behaviors that don’t serve me are still alive and well in me and I need to figure those out. My weight, the way I rescue people and then resent the shit out them and get pissed at myself and other interesting ways-of-being are all on my therapy to do list.

          I do my work side by side with my husband. He works on his shit and me on mine. I rarely have issues with him and that has much to do with being clear ourselves and learning how one another operates (now we have an owner’s manual).

          Also, the marriage and supportive family is outside of me, isn’t it. At the end of the day, when I’m lying in bed with my thoughts, having the most amazing husband and best family, things matter little if I am disappointed or angry with myself. It’s like an emotional spa that leaves you feeling relaxed, reinvigorated and ready to take on the world. It also doesn’t hurt that the kids stay home.

Paul says: To the first question; carrots and Legos. Lots of each.
For the second question, I have a standing philosophy that, twice a year, I see my doctor, my dentist, my therapist, and my priest (insert religious leader that fits your belief system) to keep my total person happy. Lately, I’ve had some issue with the priest component. Maybe a guru will work.

Yoda: Jedi Master of Language

Relationship Rejects

Sep 242009

          “Do or do not do…there is no try.” Yoda understood that words have power. How we say something is as important as what we think we are saying. He also understood how to talk in reverse and still be understood. That’s what makes him a Jedi master. So with our Star Wars references fully in place, we welcome you to Thursday’s language talk on CoupleDumb.

          Paul says: As you know, Lee and I do not fight nor are we overly critical of one another. One place where we do consistently correct each other is with our use of language. We believe that words have power. Because of this, we are always alert for the way we say something (what we call languaging) that would be detrimental to our overall wellbeing.

          In our world we have been immersed in phrases and sayings that, when you really stop and consider them, are terrifying and injurious. Let’s take the saying ‘my back is killing me’. Is it really? Is it actually hastening you to your final double mocha frappachino with the Grim Reaper?

          So I say ‘my back is killing me’ to my wife who casually corrects my languaging with a ‘your back hurts. It is not killing you’. The same sentence with the subject changed illicit a very different reaction. ‘This axe murderer is killing me’ will not get Lee to say ‘the axe murderer is not killing you. The axe murderer is hurting you’. When I talk about an axe murderer, I am trying to get a reaction. Generally, in that scenario, a shotgun and police presence would be appropriate. So why would I give the same emphasis to back pain that I would give to a homicidal maniac? Because I want a reaction. I want to be elevated to the status of the almost dead with all of the benefits. Somewhere in my subconscious, I want the sympathy, the attrition, and the tearful sobs without having to pay the price of illness. Unfortunately, that same part of the subconscious has a wonderful sense of justice. We do not get to act ill without being ill.

          Words have power. If you do not believe me then walk into your local airport and yell ‘bomb’ at the top of your lungs. After you are done with your colon search, drop me an email and let me know what you thought. Now to take all of this heady philosophy and boil it down to one important statement: I tell Lee that I love her every day and generally several times a day. This is not just me showing how romantic I am but if you would like to swoon, feel free. I tell her that I love her for a couple of reasons; firstly, because I do love her and, secondly, because it starts a cascade of actions that are good for both of us.

          No matter what psychological model you use, hearing that you are loved is a good thing. When I tell Lee that I love her, or she says it to me, brain chemicals are released and the happy parts light up, we nurture our inner children, we are conditioned to continue to be loveable, and we hold our shadows at bay.

          We are all wizards and our words are magic. We can create and destroy with the incantations that we cast. OK, that last part was just for me.

                Lee says: After all these weeks and months writing, I wonder how many of our readers know that I have fibromyalgia? I would imagine there is a handful who knows only because you know me personally. I don’t talk about it. I don’t acknowledge it. I give it no power over me. Years ago, my life was completely about my fibro and pain and ouchies and oh God how uncomfortable I am. In the beginning my language was completely pain focused. I was dying. It was killing me. I can’t stand it. When I changed my language, my pain became manageable. When I completely ignored it, the pain became an extra in the movie of my life. It was no longer the antagonist.

          So please don’t tell me your shoes are killing you or you are dying of thirst/hunger unless you really mean it. I’m serious, those shoes better have you in a choke hold or slowly poisoning you with some undetectable chemical compound that leaches through the soles of your heels.