2009 July » CoupleDumb

Six pups. No judgment.

Jul 282009

The Doggy Doula and her wards.
          As the sun dawns on a new Tuesday, we are gently woken by the squealing of our new puppies. Our doggy, which we rescued in late May, gave birth to 6 puppies that look more like rats; all white and pink feet and faces. We thought, due to her previous behavior that she would be a mediocre Mom. We judged her. To our surprise, she has turned out to be very attentive to her babies and we would challenge anyone to find a puppy with a cleaner ass than these. Her dedication makes us look at how much we are willing to do for our Pups. We know ass licking is completely off the table.

          Lee says: I remember my first few minutes with each of my kids. That overwhelming ‘Oh Shit!’ moment of ‘I can’t believe this is mine’ and ‘What the fuck am I going to do?’ Those moments extend into hours, then days and then lifetimes. Some moments I am more comfortable than others but then there are those moments that put you back into the ‘Oh Shit!!’

          We are talking about judging this week and parents are the worst at this. We can strive to be present and in our experience but when it comes to our kids, we have the gavel in hand at all times. Are they dressed warm enough? Cool enough? Have they eaten enough? Slept enough? Are their friends good enough for them? Hoodlums? Whores? Are they smart enough? Are we enriching them enough? Are they growing up to be good people? Serial Killers?

          We, as parents, spend so much time worrying about our kids being enough in one way or another that we forget to enjoy them; experience the wonder of being unfettered with issues, baggage and bullshit. It is those moments that make being a parent wonderful. Instead, our behavior teaches our kids that ultimately, we believe they are lacking. Our overbearing worry teaches them that there is something wrong with them. They are not enough.

          What do you do with all that worry? You let it go. Our worry is our own judgment of ourselves. Are we enough as parents? What will people think about us? If my kid stinks, how will that reflect on me?

          Yeah, I know you’re saying, ‘Lee, that isn’t me!’ But it is. It’s all of us. This is why we all get the same strollers, onesies and anti-colic bottles. This is why your kids do sports and you stand there and cheer your little heart out. Are you doing enough? Are you enough as a parent?

          Nothing tests this as much as parenting a teenager. Babies, for all the poop and lack of sleep, are easy. But an adolescent girl will make you question your belief in God. Your parenting chops must include some serious faith in your child. You have to know that you understand how their warped little minds work and outthink them. Such was the case with our daughter on Sunday. I had promised my sister-in-law to help with grilling duties for my niece’s birthday party and Hazel, the doggy, decided she was ready to pop out puppies at the same time. Jeannie had wanted to be a vet since she was a baby and suddenly changed her dream after the death of a couple of our dogs.

          So the judgment: did Jeannie have the stones to sit there with Hazel while she had her puppies or would she panic and try to intervene or worse, run away? Is Jeannie the animal whisperer that we know she is? When I asked her to stay with Hazel she had the ‘Oh shit’ face that I know so well. Before we left her, I checked on her one last time and she was on the verge of tears. That was my ‘Oh shit’ moment. Four hours and 6 puppies later, Jeannie was a new person. She remembered who she was despite her own judgment of herself that she could not deal with death.

          Sometimes a parent needs to believe in who they know their child is despite all evidence to the contrary. I know it sucks. But then again, what do you expect from a job that involves vaginal ripping, nipple cracking and shit cleaning. It doesn’t get better from there.

          Paul says: My only judgment on this is that I don’t want nine dogs in the house. My other judgment is that no one listens to me.

          Lee responses: Huh?

Don't Judge.

Monday, Heavy Monday

Jul 272009

He can't judge, now can he?

          Another Monday in the dead of summer and we are here to share another piece of wisdom before you run off to work or the beach. This summer has been amazing. We spent a couple of weeks in Los Angeles and will have our first book signing this Saturday at Books and Books in Coral Gables, Florida. We are so excited we can’t see straight. So here we are getting ready for the most important day in our writing career to date and what are we worried about? Obviously, we are worried about what everybody worries about. What will people think about us.

          Lee says: We judge. Everything we do here at CoupleDumb is judgment. Sure, we are intelligent, educated and experienced but our opinions are nothing more than our judgments. From our WTF of the Week to Celebrity Smackdown, we judge people, events and behaviors. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

          People are judgmental by nature. From the moment we become conscious in the morning until we pass out at night, we judge things. Do you like it? Is it good? Is it bad? Too hot? Too cold? Too tight? Just right? It’s like we all are friggen Goldilocks and the world is just a bowl of porridge. So, if this is the case, why is being judgmental such a bad thing? Isn’t being non-judgmental almost inhuman?

          The answer to this is like defining a word with the same word. To dissect the good from the bad, of course, requires more judgment. Experience is something that we immerse ourselves in and it is pure of judgment. So to judge, we must extract yourself from the subject. Thus, when we become film critics we are no longer just enjoying the film. When you judge others, you must separate yourself from them.

          Now don’t get me wrong, I have not reached sainthood and I was not planning on it anytime soon (especially since we were kicked out of the church). The problem I find with judging is that I can no longer enjoy myself. If I grade somebody, I naturally want to move on and I tend to lose out on people. If I judge a situation, my blinders go up and no matter how wonderful the situation gets, I am done with it. If I am having a bad time somewhere, Tom Jones circa 1977 can show up and do ‘What’s new pussycat?’ while gyrating his hips at me and I will still be looking for an exit. (This actually happened to me and I think it could possibly be the first time a man elicited those tingly feelings in me. Thank you for letting me share. Stop judging me.)

          This takes me to the concept of staying present. In the present, there is no room for judgment. Sure, people can insist on praying to Jesus but let’s face it, Christians can be quite judgmental themselves. What works for me is to let things unfold. I can make any time a good time. I can joke and cajole until people laugh or I, at least, can amuse myself. I remind myself that ultimately, it is always about me. My perception of events and people are what I take from everything and the negative will stock pile until I am alone.

          I can go now knowing that when we meet on Saturday, I will not judge you and I know you will not judge me. We will become fast friends and call each other and braid each others hair. I will see you for the wonderful person you are and you will remember this post and remember that I am a tree hugging, hippy, freak who probably does drugs. You would be right except for the drugs.

          Paul says: I’ll judge everyone. It’s what I do. I’m good at it. You wouldn’t tell Michelangelo not to paint, would you?

WTF of the Week: Chris Brown’s ‘Apology’

WTF of the Week

Jul 252009

          World? This is Lee. I didn’t choose to be cynical. I try really hard every day to look at the beauty of life and the miracle of creation. I try to focus on all the good in the world and eschew the negative. I pray to God, create intentions, chant, meditate, praise and worship 24/7 to keep that healthy glow about me and know that the sun will come out tomorrow. That’s right. I fuckin’ love tomorrow! But it is so hard to keep that sunny disposition when assholes like Chris Brown come out with shit like this!

          Have you watched it? Go ahead. I can wait. It only lasts a minute and a half.

          O.K., do you see what I mean? Come on Chris! You beat the crap out of Rihanna 6 months ago and all you can come up with is a minute and a half worth of apology that was edited? Did they cut out the other half hour of lamentations or did you not look pitiful enough when you first read your lines?

          I know, you’re fucked. Your reputation as the nice musical artist is gone. You are just another slime ball that we make sure isn’t on any of our kids playlists and no amount of basketball playing or apologies will change that. You are now regulated to the pantheon of misogynistic douche-bags which includes O.J. and Tom Sizemore. Your cutesy smile is misplaced since you are a batterer and no amount of staged apologies will wipe that away.

          Perhaps, and I’m just speculating here, if you were genuine in your apology? Perhaps, and once again, I am just guessing at the reaction of the world, if we could see you really be sorry for what you did and show that aside from your Mom and Minister (BTW- aren’t these the people who were guiding you in the first place?) you sought professional treatment from a real psychotherapist, people may take you seriously. Perhaps you can dedicate your next album and give a good chunk of the proceeds to Domestic Violence Education and Women’s Shelters?

          Regardless, I will now need to detoxify with a high colonic and purge my soul of your image to retain my Zen state after watching your pathetic attempt to humanize yourself. Thanks a lot!