2009 March » CoupleDumb

Reader's Comment: Lee too nice to Men

Mar 262009

Men are all kinds of awesome

One of our loyal readers complained that we were being too lenient with men and said that we were ‘too soft on them because of your low expectations’. More specifically, she believed Lee was too easy on them. Because we have not reached a level of fame to ignore the opportunity to suck up to someone, we will revisit the subject of Men and Lee will be allowed to let loose on the male of the species.

Lee says: When my friend Hinchey talks, I listen. I guess you can say that I respect her and ultimately her opinion matters to me. When she told me I wussed out on slamming the guy-folk I went back and read my comments from last week. In many cases I used flowery language to describe something that, for many women is a source of pain.

Men come in all kinds of flavors from the emotion-less automatons to the metro-sexuals who need to address every feeling as they occur. Most issues in a relationship revolve around a man’s inability to express his feelings and address the needs of others. I mentioned that men are rule makers but the reality of creating parameters is that feelings are a worthless commodity in their kingdom. The limits they set are almost an alternative to emotions of any kind and the introduction of that type of chaotic variable tends to set most men looking for other options. In other words, when us chicks get complicated and crazy, men get out.

So does this mean that men lack the ability to commit? The sad answer is sometimes yes. We can look at this phenomenon sociobiologically where we see the pure function of humans as seed distributors. Or we can look at this from a family of origin perspective and see that a man has little need to stick around. We have lowered our standards for what a man does, especially when a man is a father. As a mate, the gold standard for a man is that he be a decent provider and tries not to leave marks. I know that sounds mean but I am talking in generalities. Let’s face it, Chris Brown is still considered a good guy because he has a job and we all know Rihanna must have provoked him (please, for the love of God, do not think I am being serious).

The standards for a good father is even less than that of a mate. If he sticks around and is seen with a baby bottle then he is amazing. Don’t believe me? Kevin Federline was actually given a father of the year award! Did we forget that he had fathered a couple of kids before he abandoned his girlfriend for Britney? Of course we did! All we see is now he has his children and they aren’t riding in a car in someone’s lap or eating Cheetos for breakfast. Our standards for men are so incredibly low that we are willing to give them a fucking medal for just showing up!

Well this isn’t the Special Olympics and we aren’t all winners here. In the world of relationship and parenting, it takes more than showing up to be successful. An investment of time, energy, love and willingness to change the stinky diapers is a must. A man needs to be flexible with his own rules and know that his mommy might have believed he was the Son of God but in the real world he needs to wash dishes and participate in a household which means more than being commander of the remote control.

I thank Hinchey for calling me on my own short-sightedness. As always, my friend keeps me on my toes. Perhaps men, like my grandmother would say, do have a part of the Devil. Don’t they say that the Devil’s best trick was convincing people he didn’t exist? Kind of like men who have convinced the world that being responsible in a relationship is just making a special guest appearance.

Paul says: I write eleven words and get the same amount of credit.

Are you a Jedi or are you a Sith?

Relationship Rejects

Mar 262009

Cabaret for geeks

Since this week’s topic is woman, Lee and I thought that I should take the lead on today’s post. The problem is that I like women. I’m one of those odd men that find women fascinating, intriguing and enticing. I like the way they feel. I like the way they think. I like the way they move through the universe, like a potpourri scented battering ram. Women, for me, are pretty cool.

…And they are all crazy.

At least from a guy’s perspective, women are these magically dervishes, in touch with some elemental force that they call emotions. We cannot hope to comprehend what they are thinking and feeling, so we take the back cart on the rollercoaster and hope that we can endure the ride. This is the mythology behind the great differences between the genders. Now that I have made my grand sweeping statements, I need to tell you that I do not believe that this is, or needs to be, true. Yes, there is a lot of socialization that has happened over the millions of years that humans have evolved. Women create life and, therefore, understand the feel of the processes involved. Men had to stare down a mammoth and found that the less emotional caveman was the one that didn’t get stomped.

But the genetic matrix is not what creates the tragic story of men and women. It is how some people have chosen to use the power of emotion. This is not a battle between men and women but a war between those who use their power for good and those who use it for evil. Yes, this is Jedi versus Sith. This is a Star Wars reference, for those who did not get it, and Luke Skywalker was a Jedi thus making him a good guy. Darth Vader was a Sith which makes him a bad guy. That should be enough information so that everyone understands the analogy. (If not, then you have been living in a cave for the last 25 years and I do not know how you are getting electricity to your computer.)

Before I met Lee, I had a girlfriend. She was a Sith. A crazy, sadistic Sith. She held her emotions close to her, cloaked in darkness, such that I never really knew anything about her. She would wield her light saber of emotion with deadly accuracy. I would never see it coming. All I knew was one moment everything would be fine and the next I would see a flash of light and a piece of me would be missing. To illustrate, my Sith girlfriend liked the Beatles and was into old school stuff. So, for her birthday, I bought her an original Beatles album (I do not remember which but I know it cost a lot). She looked at it and, with no affect, said, ‘thanks’ and flipped it like a playing card to her side. From then on, she would tell people in a casual joking manner that I didn’t give good gifts.

Now fast forward to Lee. She taught me the ways of the Jedi. She helped me to understand what she was feeling and I was able to grow from it. For her birthday, some twenty one years ago, I got her a present. It consisted of a rose, a bottle of her favorite perfume, a negligee (we were exploring our sexuality, so that was both appropriate and appreciated) and a calendar that I made. It was a beefcake calendar of all one hundred and thirty pounds of me, greased up in various poses. It was funny, vulnerable and a huge risk. She could have crushed me at that point (the Sith would have) but she didn’t. She gushed and cried and, because of that, I would have given her the moon.

So, here is the question to the women out there; Are you a Jedi or are you a Sith?

Kim's getting married. Husband: optional.

Celebrity Smackdown

Mar 252009

GQ photo shoot or wedding pictures? Only Kim knows.

The vexatious contradiction is the hallmark of a good woman. They can be beguiling and in the same breath cut your heart out. That is the true beauty of a woman. We are the thorny rose! However, sometimes women come around and mess up our flow. Sometimes women do stupid things that make the rest of us beauties look bad. They operate as stereotypes; the most vapid of clichés. This weeks Celebrity Smackdown almost makes me feel dirty even mentioning her. I place her in the category of celebrity but for the life of me I don’t know how or why she is considered to be one. Of course, I am speaking of Kim Kardashian.

First time I heard that name I lived in Los Angeles and was, like most of my fellow Angelenos, faithfully watching the O.J. Simpson debacle. Kardashian was O.J.’s best friend and standing by his side as O.J. stood there a coupled of days after the infamous murders with band aids on his hands. So what was I to think when this girl came up on the celebrity radar? ‘Hey Kim, your dad was the best friend of a killer!’ But Kim acquired her celebrity, not from Daddy dearest who was a poor judge of character, but from allowing a douche bag to film her having sex with her. Had I known that a sex tape was all it took to get an agent, Paul and I would be getting a baby sitter and start choreographing some acrobatic, energetic and, if I may, spectacular sex scenes.

So now Kim is huge. No, not just her ass, but her brand. She is everywhere, from a reality show to the fashion world. And still I ask, why? I don’t get it but is that enough for a smackdown? No. I can excuse her for being put in this position, pardon the pun. Society elevated her to this status. What I don’t excuse is her stupid behavior. She recently announced something that will set back the women’s movement and feminism back to cave man days.

Kim is ‘Pre-Planning’ her wedding! Yes ladies, you read that right. Kim, who is not engaged, is going to plan her wedding that is not even scheduled or close to a reality. Those of us who have actually planned and had weddings know that it isn’t an easy task and now the added pressure of being pre-prepared tacks on another level of anxiety that you just don’t need.

The worse part is that once again women are thrown into that category of rapacious marriage mongers. All of us want to marry and have babies and have a picket fence and go to PTA meetings and have smart dinner parties. Not only do we want all that but our wedding better kick ass and be more memorable and better than every wedding that ever took place. Does Lamborghini make wedding favors?

Yo Kim, some women are quite happy not marrying or having babies or professional football players. We realize you live to be in the lime light and that kind of whoring is truly impressive and reminiscent of a Faustian deal. But you, regardless of how you got there or why you continue to be, are a celebrity and thus a role model of sorts. Now, of course, you are in the same category of role model as Paris and all the other reality show dipshits who for some unknown reason we see as famous, but role model, nevertheless. Little girls are already confused as it is and adding pre-planning a wedding just compounds this.

Kim, you seem nice. Go to a vocational school and get yourself a career. Do some honest work that doesn’t involve paparazzi or blowing someone on film. Your career, much like your ass, will fall someday and that is what you should be pre-planning.