2009 February » CoupleDumb

Wacky Joaquin ('cause nothing rhymes with douche)

Feb 252009

Dipshit or douche?

Every week we scan the news and gossip blogs for a celebrity or entertainment icon to smackdown. Usually, by Sunday, we know who we are going after. They tend to be obvious choices. This week, we actually had to think about it. It was only when we reviewed our Oscar Live Commentary that we did on Sunday that someone popped out: no, not Mickey Rourke. For the sake of our sanity, we can’t look at that guy anymore and we need to move on.

Ben Stiller walked out on stage with Natalie Portman wearing a beard and acted disoriented, inappropriate and generally bombed out of his mind. Of course, he was parodying Joaquin Phoenix who in October of 2008, retired from acting to pursue his career in music. We’re sorry, not just a music career. He is actively working on becoming a rapper. He performed ‘his music’ in Las Vegas recently to boos and ended his set by falling of the stage. Of course this whole fiasco, including the ‘wave your hand in the air’ part, was caught on film by his best friend Casey Affleck who is making a documentary of the transition from actor to drugged out fool. His appearances on Letterman and anywhere else that will take him have been marked by opiate laced behavior sans the nodding out.

Many people believe that this is an elaborate, albeit juvenile, punking of the entertainment industry. Our question is this: Who really gives a shit?

Joaquin you have been chosen for smackdown because you are behaving like a douche bag. You are comporting yourself as someone who has given in to the poppy and needs some detox and methadone to maintain. No, you have never starred on a Nickelodeon show or voiced an animated character but regardless, you are a role model. A few years ago you entered rehab for alcohol and now you have graduated to either shooting up or smoking your own arrogance. Either way, whether you are acting or not, you are forever more a dipshit.

If he is pretending, which we think he is, what would be the purpose? To expose the industry as shallow or prove that an actor can get away with murder (or a retired football star)? Or is it an exercise to show that actors have too much free time and their sense of self importance gives them the right to dupe their audience of lemmings? We can see how Casey as an intelligent, educated man can be drawn in by his brother in law who is an artist. Joaquin, who was once Leaf, has lived abroad, chosen to drop out of acting before, is tortured and generally a brooding ass. To an educated guy, Joaquin must be friggen fascinating. So these two assholes are sitting around a table and decide, ‘I have nothing to do, let’s mess with people’.

Whatever the reason behind this hoax, there is one glaring thing that people seem to forget. Joaquin was the person who called 911 when his brother River died of a drug overdose on the sidewalk in front of the Viper room. He watched his brother perform his music, go to the bathroom to do a speedball and then convulse on the sidewalk. The call was played on the news for weeks. You could hear his heart breaking as they asked him if he could see if his brother was breathing and he had no idea. So after all these years post trauma, have you forgotten the pain Joaquin? Was it hysterical to watch your brother, like yourself a brilliant actor, musician and activist, die because of his drug abuse? Is your little film a comedy or just another actor’s failed attempt at creating performance art? We think River deserved better. I guess we see this as the same as if Bindi Irwin trick or treated with a stinger sticking out of her chest. Just, bad form.

Lie to Me (and feel my wrath)

Kids and why you can't kill them

Feb 242009

Lie to Me

Have you seen the new Fox show ‘Lie to me’? We have watched a couple of episodes and we are HOOKED! They have O.K. stories but they pepper the hour with cool body language science and examples of modern day political leaders. But you don’t care what we watch on Wednesday nights. You want to know how this has anything to do with children and parenting. We think it’s obvious. So make eye contact and do not squint at us.

Lee says: Any person wanting to be a parent better learn to read people. A child lies not because they were taught to, but to protect themselves. It is a survival mechanism akin to a possum playing dead. When asked the question, their little eyes bug out and their body begins to sway as the mendacity reaches new heights. So it ain’t the lying you should focus on but more the fact that they are lying to you.

A parent has a very limited job: keep them safe. How can you do that when they are lying to you? If you don’t know what is going on, your job is hindered and your efficacy is compromised. Paul and I recognized this early on and instituted the Cardinal Rule in our family: If you lie, you get in trouble. If you tell the truth we work it out. We put complete value in honesty regardless of the behavior. Of course this rule is counting on the premise that none of our kids are sociopaths.

This rule is held to at all costs. The kids know if they are asked directly and they lie to us, the punishment will be swift and harsh; think ‘Midnight Express’ without the hash. However, if they are honest, regardless of what they did, we discuss it and come up with a consequence that is less punitive and more educational. I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘Fucking hippies!’ but keep reading.

The ultimate goal to all of this is to have good communication with your kids so that they can come to you with something bigger than they broke something or they received a bad grade. You are priming them for the bombs that every parent dreads but hope that a child can confide in them if the situation arises like sex, drugs or anything that may involve medical professionals and or police. When they do come to you, you need to control your first impulse of having your head spin and be a parent. It’s a reaction that will affect your relationship with your child for the rest of your lives. No pressure.

Paul says: Just because we have the Don’t Lie amnesty, does not mean that we have no rules. Just the contrary. The policy is because we do have rules. Without rules, there would be no reason to lie. Generally speaking, I lay down the rules in large sweeping dictum. I use words like ‘always’, ‘never’, and ‘because I said so’. Since we have a two parent household with both parents on the same page, we can play our roles. With the younger ones it’s not as obvious but with our teen girl, the jobs are defined. It’s hard for me to, in one breath, tell my daughter to stay chaste but be honest with me if she isn’t. So, my responsibility is to remind her of her purity and innocence and that she will always going to be my little girl. If asked, ‘When can I date?’, my response is ‘after you are married’. And questions of sex are addressed by me clutching my chest and feigning a heart attack.

This allows my wife and daughter to roll their eyes at me and laugh while I lay down an unmuddied rule that Daddy does not want his baby fooling around. Now Mommy has something to work with. She can keep honest communication open without seeming to condone a behavior.

So, that’s our little strategy. Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone.

Lee responds: It must suck having a strict hippie and a therapist as parents.

When did we trade our Barbies for thongs?

Monday, Heavy Monday

Feb 232009

Save a Virgin

So much to rant about and so little time….

Remember the old days? When kids were kids as long as possible and the idea of growing up was a threat we gave to our parents? I do. I was innocent for a long time. I remember finding out about sex from my cousin Terry. I thought she was lying.

I was 12 years old and we had just come home from watching a Pink Panther movie (Peter Sellers not Steve Martin. With all due respect Mr. Martin, Peter Sellers rocked!) We were in the kitchen of our house and we were talking about something or nothing like kids do. And she blurted it out. I think it had something to do with the topic but shock and 30 years have erased the context of the conversation. I remember the shock and disbelief. The worst part was that I had nothing and no one to corroborate her assertion.

So, why the walk down traumatic memory lane? Paul and I have been having discussions concerning the change of society and how our cultures define our experiences. (We’re really deep, I know.) In our day, we could play outside without fear of abduction. We understood physical activity without specifically defining whether we were doing cardio, resistance or core training. We played. We would jump and run and scream without the need for replenishing electrolytes or checking our heart rates. Sports were fun and not a means to an end. And for most of us, puppy love was fleeting and a cute memory.

I am truly concerned with the permissiveness of our culture. We have made boundaries so lax that innocence is confined to infancy and experimentation is the norm. The children are bombarded with sexual images and pressure to be in relationship earlier than we ever were. Parents are forgetting that movies are rated for a reason and excuse a campy comedy as having undertones that kids will miss. Parents, if you learn anything from these posts it’s that KIDS MISS NOTHING! They are picking up innuendos and double entendres but lack the foundation to understand the full meaning. They want to experience things earlier to be part of our society since we place so much value on things like sex, drugs and maturity.

One of the areas of permissiveness is obviously sex. We have redefined sex to be intercourse and everything else seems to be free game (thanks President Clinton!) Even though the average age to lose one’s virginity seems to hover between 16-17, many kids are engaging in oral, anal and mutual masturbation at a much younger age. Then you have same sex experimentation which has taken on a life of its own. In the old days our sexual confusion was something we worked out in our little heads. Now, because of confusion and poorly defined boundaries, you get to sample the faire. However, for many people, that sampling becomes a source of shame and guilt that affects future relationships. It ultimately exacerbates the confusion because, if you haven’t noticed, sex feels good. Sexuality isn’t about what type of sex makes you feel good; it’s about who you relate to.

You have Katy Perry singing “I kissed a girl” but forget that she sleeps with men. It’s become passé and normal but those images stick to our kids. I am not saying anything about homosexuality. I’m talking about BOUNDARIES! They have made girl on girl or guy on guy action a punch line which must be a kick in the pants to all the brave men and women who have worked for equality. There struggles for justice have not been a joke or a dare. For them it’s for keeps. I respect these individuals and know when they see kids “playing gay for a day” or telling people that they are bisexual at the age of 15 (duh, we’re all bi at that age!) that its like having insensitive people go to Black History Month events in black face.