2009 February » CoupleDumb

WTF- Northern Trust

Feb 262009

I wasn't invited.

The following is about different types of relationships like the one we have with money or our communities.

Northern Trust Bank, who recently received 1.6 billion dollars in bail out money, decided to throw a shindig in Los Angeles that lasted three days. The party consisted of 3 separate concerts (Chicago, Earth Wind and Fire and Sheryl Crow) at three separate venues, a golf tournament sponsorship, gifts from Tiffanys, travel and lodging at places like the Beverly Wilshire and the Ritz. They flew 100’s of investors and employees out to L.A. for a great weekend! This little party must have cost them millions. Isn’t that nice?

WTF!!!!!!! I understand as a business you want people to feel appreciated but you could have done it in Chicago for millions of dollars less! Your behavior is why we are in the situation we are in. Everybody wants to play fast and loose with other people’s money. Well listen up assholes! I WANT IT BACK!!!!! As for the big bosses, WTF were you thinking when you were dancing to “Shining Star” and getting fucked up in Santa Monica on my dime?

Yes, I called them chattel

Reader's Questions

Feb 262009

Pilar asks: Does a child from 13 to whatever age 17, 18, 19 have the right to privacy? I mean if we are concerned about something regarding your son/daughter don’t we have the right to go into their myspace for example. I have been talking to several parents and they seem to think if they are living under my roof they have no privacy. My thoughts exactly but some parents believe it’s unethical to go through their myspace.

Or to even say to them in another situation you are not going out tonight if they are 18 or over. I feel if I have reason to think that they can’t go out that’s it period the end. Not just because they are 18 we can’t tell them what to do anymore.

Is it just latin parents that feel this way? (Like I do)

What do you guys think?

Paul says: No, kids do not have privacy but they do have boundaries. Privacy, the way that I think you are using it here, has a connotation of ownership and I do come from the ‘you don’t own shit’ school of parenting. Children are chattel, albeit very special property. (Oh, my children must love me.) We have the right to have as many houses, car and children as we want, no matter how ill conceived the idea may be. If we didn’t, then Octo-mom would never have been allowed to have the second litter. If the child wants to own their space then they need to get a job and a mortgage.

That being said, there is a sense of boundaries. Though a child does not own their space, they can make the statement that the space is important to them and you can honor that statement, giving it importance also. This gives the child a sense of propriety without ownership. I always knock on my daughter’s door but I do not necessarily wait for her to allow me access.

Speaking to the important part of your question, entering the area that you have both agreed is important gives a clear message. You are saying ‘I do not trust you’. Now, before your react, check in with yourself. That may be the statement that you want to make. If, as an example, you think that your child is using drugs, then you do not trust their judgment. It that is the message, then say it. If you cannot look your kid in the eye and tell them that you do not trust them and why with what they need to do to earn your trust, then don’t go in the room. You can’t handle it.

Lee says: Isn’t he cute? He thought she meant my space not a ‘Myspace’ page. Pilar, I totally hear you. Like I have said before, our only job is to keep them safe. We do this by teaching them right from wrong, how to wash and that sticking cheerios up their nose is bad. Part of keeping them safe is also protecting them from the big bad world. There are some sick fucks who prey on weak kids. By definition, a weak child is one who has parents who are not involved in their lives.

When our daughter wanted a ‘myspace’, we helped her set it up and kept her password. Paul and I created our own page to monitor her. The same thing happened when she joined Facebook. I joined to watch her and once again, I have her user name and password. A few months ago, she posted a picture of herself on Facebook which we deemed inappropriate because she appeared seductive. That was totally our judgment but it didn’t matter. She removed the picture.

I agree with my better half that kids have boundaries not privacy. The semantics are important. Privacy has more to do with secrecy and boundaries delineate levels of safety. Since we don’t believe in secrecy, boundaries always win over. Only one bedroom is allowed to be locked in our home; that’s ours. The lock is a boundary (we will have a post soon regarding bedroom rules). The boundary is to keep the kids from being scarred and that is the only time the door is locked.

Vulnerability Island (Like Survivor but with more tears)

Relationship Rejects

Feb 262009

Pretty

We have talked about several important topics in our posts specific to creating and maintaining relationships. We have talked about prioritizing, choosing to love, communication, intimacy and whether or not KY Jelly Yours and Mine is worth the 20 bucks if you like a minty muff and numb dick. So what’s left to talk about?

Lee says: During a recent girl’s weekend (or what we affectionately call ‘Bitch Weekend’), one of my dear friends confessed that she wasn’t comfortable letting us meet her new beau because she acts differently with him than she does with us. The other bitches took this to mean that our pal was out of integrity, or for a less P.C. phrase: she was faking it with him. After I slipped on my therapist hat (oh, who am I kidding, that thing never comes off) and asked a few pointed questions, I came to the conclusion that she was being honest with all of us and that her new boyfriend was getting to see a side of her we see occasionally: vulnerability.

I have been accused on more than one occasion of being a bitch. I know that I have been called worse since I worked with drug addicts, sex offenders and adolescent girls. However, they don’t get to see all facets of me. The only person who does is my husband. Even though I am quite vulnerable with people and can have intimate experiences (with my clothes on), Paul is the only one who sees all of me. Now get you head out of the gutter and pay attention.

Most people create facades to hide certain aspects of their personality or past. They believe that who they are is not worth a second chance and consign that part of their being to hide while the mask goes on dates. The mask is there to protect, play games and manipulate. It also serves another purpose; it blocks you from creating intimacy and being vulnerable. We don’t realize that while seemingly protecting us it also ultimately makes the hurt worse but that is a topic for a future post.

Here we are talking about vulnerability and sharing it with your partner. No masks. No pretense. Mano a mano. We use words like partner, mate, spouse, husband, wife, lover and significant other to denote something special: We are on the same team. You share your secrets and strategies with that one person who, we hope, shares your goals or will support you in attaining your dreams. This is a true relationship. True couples do not compete with each other. They take their union and pit themselves against the world.

I see my husband as a peaceful island for me. I retreat to him to feel safe and relax. There are no airs or need to impress. He loves me. If there is a threat or a challenge we band together and take it on. Although the outcome may not always be favorable, we never lose because we have each other. To the world we may be the bitch or the geek, but to each other, we are home.

I think I’ll go cuddle with my hippy geek now. All this disclosure makes me feel all exposed.

Paul says: I love you, Pooky. (Can’t write now. Too busy cuddling.)