A 4 year old in Jackson Ohio shot his babysitter with a shotgun for stepping on his toes. WTF! Ethan Crisp lives in a lovely trailer home with his father, an avid hunter.
Ethan needs a serious wake up call. Little dude, you live in a trailer! Shooting the help is reserved for the elite.
Since we received no questions this week, we figured we would tell you some of the things that are important to us. But, in order to keep the format and not confuse any of you out there, we’ll write it like a question. WARNING: We better get some questions for next week or Paul will regale you with his different Dungeons and Dragons campaigns.
Gertrude from Idaho had a question: Hey Lee and Paul, I love your blog. It gives my life meaning in the middle of this harsh winter. I was wondering, other than being fabulous, what issues or topics are you passionate about?
Gertrude, thanks for the question. Paul and I are extremely opinionated, some would argue judgmental, so we have many topics that prick our interest and others that get us ranting. We will list some of them that are sure to piss off some of our readers. Here they are:
1. Equal Rights/Gay Marriage: Paul and I feel very strongly that all people are created equally. This includes that little twink wearing the size 1 jeans and the boa or the lovely woman in flannel with the mullet. They deserve the same rights, respect and protection under the law as any other person on this earth.
2. God is not a bigot: Stop pushing your agenda to oppress, hurt, repress, enslave and punish those different than you in the name of God. Paul and I believe that God is a fat, black lesbian but she loves you anyway.
3. Humor is important: If you immerse yourself in the doom and gloom of the news or the panic of the world, we are all fucked. Lighten up people! FYI: Perez Hilton, my fellow Cuban American, I love your site and read it like a fiending addict. However, stop reporting the lay-offs and other shit news of the day. It’s a bummer and you are feeding the negative energy beast. I see you as a rainbow beacon of light and it makes the hag in me all atwitter when you do your thing. Rock on Cubanito!
4. Misbehaving children: More specifically, having other people’s children enter our space bubble when we are out. If you are in a restaurant with your child, make them sit down! We have 3 kids and they learned early on that that behavior is unacceptable. They also know that we could live with 2 if they insist on their bad behavior.
5. Slow children: O.K., that sounds bad. What we mean are those kids who see a car coming and saunter to a side walk, making you stop for them. We have a group of kids down the street who play basketball and, on a daily basis, we have to stop for those little shits to get out of the way. Where are there parents? Why don’t they understand simple physics (two bodies can not occupy the same space)? Our only satisfaction is that the parents of these children who have been raised to feel the world owes them something, will be lamenting this when these kids never leave home.
So now you have a glimpse at us. Did we strike a cord? Did we piss you off? Write us. Comment. Ask us questions or next week be prepared to hear about how Paul obtained the Wand of Wonder back in 1987 during a two day campaign. That’s three bags of Doritos and a case of Dr. Pepper to a regular human.
If you are looking for romance, this is not the article to read. This is the practical ‘if you want a relationship then stop doing dumb shit’ type of commentary. This is also one of our little secrets that have kept us married for twenty years. Ready? Here it is. Marriage is like a corporation. I told you. No rose petals on this one. Corporations are structured for one purpose and one purpose only. That is to advance the corporation. The shareholders of the corporation – these are the stockholders, the employees and anyone else that gains benefit from the business – only succeed if the corporation succeeds. The perfect company has rich stockholders, happy and well paid employees, and everyone is working with the singular goal of expanding this little utopia ad infinitum. Kind of like the Borg.
When you hear people say that marriage is compromise, they are wrong. That comes from the view of partnership. Partnership is a different business structure. In a partnership, there are two people that each wants the best for himself or herself. Marriage is not a partnership. Marriage is a corporation and corporations do not compromise.
Lee and I have had a handful of fights in our marriage and most were in the settling-in portion of the first two years. The reason why is that the corporate entity of our relationship is the most important thing. Please understand, Lee and I are intensely competitive. Lee has been known to step on our prone and sprawled five year old in order to catch the Nerf ball. As for me, cheating is always a viable strategy. Usually, it is the preferred one. If we would have turned these bloodthirsty egos against each other, we would have self-destructed long ago.
But instead, we lined ourselves up behind the machine that is our marriage and…let’s just say ‘resistance is futile’.
Lee says: First I apologize for all the Star Trek references. You were warned in the About Us section that Paul had an issue. That being said, this is one of our special nuggets of brilliance. The idea that we don’t compromise baffles people. But honestly, what is compromising? It generally means neither partner gets what they want. Sure I have done some stuff that I initially wondered why would I subject myself to this (i.e. “Dungeons and Dragons”, not the game, the movie), but generally I have enjoyed being with my husband as he nourishes his geekiness.
Even when we first decided to date it was more like a board meeting than an intimate moment. We sat across from each other in my parent’s living room with almost 10 feet between us. We each discussed our boundaries (the most important thing any couple can do), what we liked and didn’t like, and came to the understanding of what we wanted from the relationship. Sure, there were some concessions such as stupid stuff like:
Paul saying: “I don’t like being touched a lot. I’m not very touchy feely.”
Lee saying: “Well tough cause I’m very touchy feely. Get use to it.”
Someone always has to be willing to take the upper hand to make the corporation grow. I think that was the last time I ever mentioned that and now his hands are permanently attached to my breast.
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