Posted By Lee and Paul on March 12, 2010

          Ladies and gentlemen, we have spent a week talking about the state of marriage. As we wind up the week, we can safely say that marriage is in trouble in general. We have two mentalities tearing down the simple act of two individuals committing to one another. Whether it’s the religious hypocrites co-opting the concept of marriage or individuals who feel that marriage is like a tissue, if you blow it, throw it away. Either camp treats a marriage with either false sacredness or disregards the importance all together. However, maybe these two groups are not that far apart after-all.

          Lee says: Paul and I were married in the same Catholic Church where I had done my first communion and confirmation. Paul had been confirmed at that church and I, as the ingénue in this story, had sung in the choir for this holiest of sacraments. We committed to love, honor and tickle one another ‘til death or murder tore us asunder in the presence of God, Father O’Byrne, family and friends. Did wearing the huge dress and penguin suit in God’s casa make our marriage any more special than a couple who got hitched at the courthouse? No.

          How about those individuals who spend countless dollars on the perfect ceremony, dress, release of the doves and bio-friendly oats to be thrown at the picture-perfect moment after signing pre-nups and selling the wedding photos to O.K. Magazine? Are they assured happiness on the order of every dollar they spent or earned from their marriage deal? No.    It seems these days, whether you are married in a church or beach or backyard or visitation room in a local penitentiary that marriage is an act of convenience. It’s like getting married is like going steady and divorce is something you can get in a Happy Meal.

          Take the concept of pre-nuptial agreements. We are in essence saying to our potential life partner, ’Baby, I love you. However, if there comes a day when I don’t, I need to protect my shit. So you leave this marriage with your shit and I keep mine. O.K.? Love you baby.’ Now, perhaps I’m being old fashioned, and Paul knows that when he hits big I own his ass, but why don’t we make these kinds of arrangements for the relationship instead? Why aren’t we taking the time to prepare for marriage instead of getting ready for a killer wedding?

          From the moment the question is popped to the ’I dos’, we are spending every waking second planning the wedding. Even couples who choose to do things low-key fret about guest lists and music and the bar and seating arrangements and dresses and tuxes and rings and limos and gifts and food and reception halls or hotels or churches or beaches or back yards…. From the second we plan on getting married, we stop preparing for a marriage and focus on a wedding. A wedding, which only lasts a few hours, is a product of months of planning and thousands of dollars. A marriage, which is supposed to last forever, is seen as a by-product of a wedding, with minimal investment and planning.   

          Sure, we know that churches require pre-marital counseling and in Florida you can forego the 3 day waiting period if you take a four hour pre-marital counseling class. And we know that individuals who do pre-marital counseling are more likely to stay together. However, many pre-marital programs are part of wedding preparations and hardly tap into the issues that the couple will face in a real-life marriage. In other words, learning to make a budget is all good and it’s important to decide whether you will support one another if there is a crises but what about the big questions? I propose we create a Pre-Nuptial agreement that includes things like mandatory couples therapy before separation, 1 couples retreat on a yearly basis, 3 hours of deep conversation a month, sex at least once a week and a good kiss every night. Now I’d sign that! 

          Paul says: I like that pre-nup too. So much better than the one that I signed saying that, if I try to leave, Lee gets one of my kidneys and my spleen. Apparently, according to the agreement, Lee has the option of removing them herself. And yes, the contract is unidirectional.

          I really should have read it first. But the boobies…

Posted By Lee and Paul on March 11, 2010

          50% of marriages end in divorce. If you are a man, you will be nagged and berated in your near celibate life. And women are ignored and taken for granted, and that is if you are lucky enough to land a good man. It goes downhill from there. So, if marriage is so doomed, why do it?

          Paul says: You know that we have to have something good to say about marriage. We are CoupleDumb after all. Of course, I’m not just going to say that I love being married, even though I do (I love you, Lee), because the statistics may not be as bad as you think. You all know how much I love my stats.

          Rutgers College has been compiling data on marriage that goes back some four decades and reporting it out as part of the National Marriage Project. When marriage naysayers claim that 50% of marriages end in divorce, it is the National Marriage Project that they are quoting. But statistics are a tricky thing. Every politician knows that a stat can be twisted to ‘feel’ very differently than the actual numbers bear out. Remember that 100% of people who eat tomatoes die sometime during their lifespan. Generally, somewhere near the end.

          So, 50% end in divorce…unless you make money. From the same study, if your gross household income is greater than $50,000 (as opposed to less than $25,000), the divorce rate drops by 30%. For this socioeconomic range, 20% get a divorce or, since I am an optimist, 80% stay married. Starting at the 50% number, if you get married after the age of 25 compared to being wed before you are 18, your chances of success drop by 24%. Some college education gives you a 13% reduction to the divorce rate compared to a high school dropout.

          The really big indicators are income, intact family of origin, education, religious affiliation, age at time of marriage, and whether or not you have a child after marriage (as opposed to walking down the aisle with your kids in tow). So, if you are not a high school pregnant, low-income atheist, your divorce rate is really very low, under ten percent.

          If the numbers are not so bad, then where is all of the smack talking coming from? It is the high school sweetheart mentality. It is Romeo and fucking Juliet that are warping our sense of marriage. Let’s face it, the best thing that those two dipshits did was to off themselves. Based on the stats, if they had stayed alive they would have been divorced within seven years. If they had survived post honeymoon, they would have left home, had no money, gotten knocked up (‘cause you know that Romeo had a huge boner for Juliet that was not going to wait for no condom) and been shunned by the Church which they couldn’t donate to. I doubt that they would have made it a whole seven years. I would love to read Shakespeare’s sequel to Romeo and Juliet. It would have probably looked a lot like the reality show with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, and had the same ending.

          I want to say to all of the haters out there that I love being married. I was older, educated and had some cash. I also married a woman who lifts me up, not holds me down. One that reminds me of all of the wonderful things that I am and continue to become, not of all of the things that I was and feel that I lost. So back off, bitch.

        Lee says: I love you too! As I look down from my ivory tower of long and happy life, I could have predicted the stats on marriage. There is something to be said about being an intelligent person. For one thing, we do silly things like buy a book or seek out information. Intelligence is not based on degrees but openess to learn. I know of many educated people who are as intelligent as our puppy (Bones is gorgeous and the most that can be said about his smarts is that he is blond).

        Where we get tripped up is our ego. Intelligence has no space for ‘how do I look’ and ‘what will people think’. This is what gets marriage every time. The stats bear out a certain amount of lack of forethought. Divorce seems easier than dealing with the issues. A lack of education and money can be translated as ignorance as to mortality and how time (and therapy) heals all wounds. Education, money, religion and age teach us that consequences are a bitch and she takes no prisoners. At the same time we know that sometimes what we have is good and deserves a second chance or at least some effort. I guess what I am saying is that when we are hurt, divorce seems like a great option. Of course, we can also say, back in the 80s we thought the mullet was the best way to stay professional and yet maintain our party attitude. Regrets, we’ve all had a few. And may I point out, those with an education and money let that go a long time ago.

Posted By Lee and Paul on March 11, 2010

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